i come here every bloody day with ten thousand things to write about but nothing i can truly talk passionately about. this reeks. i used to talk about even a dying plant passionately.

but do you know what i am passionate about right at this moment though? Classical Music.

in fact, i am listening to Sir Edward Elgar's string pieces these days for that tiny morsel of inspiration i've been scavenging for since i started this semester. but lets leave the pissing and moaning for later, now i want to tell you about Elgar.

i stumbled upon Mr. Elgar by chance. i was watching this film i've had since forever that i've been meaning to watch but never got around to, August Rush starring, hello, Jonathan Rhys Meyers duh. =) So there was this part where the dramatic beginning of Elgar's Cello Concerto in E Minor played and conveniently blends into the beginning of this song, Something Inside sung by Jonny himself in the film. Oh he plays a forsaken rockstar in there go figure. X)

little did anyone know, i was a classical music enthusiast when i was little. one of the many things i gave up when unforseen circumstances took over. i loved music classes in junior school when Mrs. Ailing would make us listen to Bach and paint our emotions with wild colours while Johann Strauss was blaring in the background. she inspired me to improvise this simple impromtu Elizabethan lullaby on the glockenspiel for Tudor Week for everyone to listen to. she taught me how to play King Henry VIII's Green Sleeves on the harpsichord. but none of that matters now..

Cello Concert in E Op. 85: Adagio - Moderato - Pieter Wispelwey

so i took the time to listen to the whole of actual concerto, and it sounded anything BUT inspirational.. it's melancholic and livid. i am imagining the intro, back alley of a building, there lies a dying man drowning in his own pool of blood, determined to fight death as he struggles to rise to his feet again like a fish flapping around in a puddle. the violas come in and the last few hours of his life swims through his mind as he just lies there recollecting life. for what it is worth, this was forseen. his life as he knew it, was uncanny and doomed to a tragic ending sooner rather than later. those around here who live to see wrinkles on their skin were the few fortunate ones. the cello reiterates again bringing him back to where he is now and all that is left to understand. the piece then dives into the more lyrical middle theme of violins and woodwinds and light brass and kettle drums where we leave this man, run away from the alley out into the open and see the bigger picture. where the ground is tarnished with drying blood of perished thousands, young and old. night wash over and the moonlight spills over the scattering bodies curled in submission and the final hopes of mercy and defence.

and then the softer more nostalgic tunes eases in on the scene's most heart wrenching part of all, when children die in the embrace of their mothers who die along with them in vain. In vain.

the genocide goes on but what are we to ever do about all of this. we sulk and moan about failing in our studies and waking up every morning, hair looking like a clump of hay. these people wake up every morning with the sole thankfulness that they are not dead..yet. we come home from class in the evening thinking of what to eat for tea. these people run home from the sundry dodging bullets, and upon arrival see their houses reduced to ash and debris and the first thing they do is scream for their mothers and sisters in dying hope that they are alright..

it breaks my heart to see my muslim brothers and sisters tortured and killed and there's nothing i can do about it. it makes me angry that i can never be grateful enough about my life when these people are being robbed of the rights to keep theirs. these people pray for the love of God to let them die first before getting to watch their children murdered right in front of their eyes, and we forsake our own daily prayers for ourselves and for them just because going out dressing like a stripper and getting drunk all night passing out in someone else's room is more fun and the epitome of appreciating life..

it makes me feel guilty for ever having fun and enjoying life anymore. what is life worth when we're not willing to give it up and die for others..

what do we do now?..

for once, JRM wasn't being a ten-year-old whining and throwing tantrums everywhere like when he's Henry in The Tudors. Now I can't quite decide anymore if it's Henry 'Duke of Suffolk' Cavill..or Jonathan 'King Henry VIII' Rhys Meyers that i'd like to go horseback riding with..

JRM: Charles my brother, you are not capable of fidelity..you married my sister and killed her remember?
HC: Your Grace knows me far too well. And I you, are we not beheading that bitch Mistress Boleyn yet?..
(together): Ha ha ha *hearty English royalty laugh*

i adore these two knights in shining armour of mine. now where is that season III..

but Dunhill London..or still Hugo Boss..

i want me a Charles Brandon Duke of Suffolk but this is clouding my judgement..

can't stand it. and i am cracking my head about this like it's a choice of life and death.. XD

classes are going quite well so far. it irks me that we are STILL not getting Dr. Mikhail Savory like everyone else. and I want Noh Nyata for my Deutsche back! this new lady lecturer is trying to be a smartass correcting our pronunciation..helloooo Noh Nyata was awesome and he's the Dean what's your problem woman your phonetics suck you sound anything but German..so geram.

going to Singapore next month for this inter-university games event. i am the team manager for FRISBEE.. =D

it's so cute. when you put frisbee next to athletics and swimming hehe.

probably going some other place next semester for this field trip with the Chemical Process Students' Assoc committee, they're thinking of Germany or maybe Prague..i don't know why Prague. i was put in charge as program director but i'm bailing out. too much work. and i'm already repeating 2 subjects, do the math. X)

anywho, hello weekend! futsal in 20mins..

i'm sorry i'm always a useless slob at home.

i'm sorry i hardly help you out in the kitchen.

i'm sorry i'm always using up your money.

i'm sorry the phone bill is always high.

i'm sorry i wanted that Toy Story video so bad once, even though i knew 11 pounds was too much for us then.

i'm sorry i made you walk out in the snow for new batteries for my radio because i couldn't sleep at night without it.

i'm sorry i didn't want to be sent off to boarding school even though you wanted it for me really badly.

i'm sorry for lying sometimes.

i'm sorry for always making you worry.

i'm sorry for making you mad.

i'm sorry for making you sad.

i'm sorry i didn't do better in my SPM.

i'm sorry i'm not doing medicine in some foreign country.

i'm sorry i always forget to refill the cats' food bowls.

i'm sorry taking for over the tv when you're watching the golf channel or your favourite soap.

i'm sorry talking back when i know you'd hate to hear it.

i'm sorry for having too many opinions.

i'm sorry i'm not as strong as both of you are.

i'm sorry i can't control the brother and sister any more than you can.

i'm sorry for being less the human you thought i'd turn out to be.

i'm sorry for being such a burden these past 20 years.

i'm sorry for disappointing you so.

i suppose my heartbreak now is only... fair.

my head feels like there's a swarm of angry locusts inside. gatal sangat dah demam nak main futsal pulak semalam kan, pastu pulled a muscle in my right thigh lagi tu. but my headache went away after that and i was convinced it wasn't coming back. i woke up at half past midnight last night and my skin was scalding hot and i couldn't stand even the slightest gust of wind brushing up to me. i slept through the whole of last night moaning and groaning. everything i put in my mouth tastes revolting, i'm so hungry now. my limbs ache all over it's making me all teary. and ultimately, my hair's falling in abundance like it's hair-autumn galore. 

i went to the clinic just now and the doctor said i have nose and throat infection. gave me a letter to show to a specialist i'm suppose to see in the next few days, and told me i just might need surgery.

='(

and here i am still convinced it was our little stint on thursday. from sweltering hot Malaysia, to -7 winter wonderland for a whole 5 minutes, and back out into hot Malaysia thought it gave my system quite a shock like that..

i'm just so sick of everything. i'm really miserable, and if i could, i'd just give it all up for good.

hehe my JRM hugo ad's getting this blog a lot of random hits. hi random viewers! long live king henry!

anyway, cny holidays' not been half bad at all. family bonding time. lots of it.

boyfriend's coming back from india next weekeeeeend! XD

banning rihanna from performing in malaysia? i don't like rihanna so i'd say go nuts X). for those 2 dumbfuck malays that went all 'we're educated people we know how to differentiate right and wrong for ourselves' stop kidding yourselves (stop being so american). for every bit of mistake malaysia has inflicted upon its youth we still need that stronghold body sitting by the sidelines with a first aid kit to mend us. i am not talking as a conservative pretentiously-righteous person, but a person with conscience that i believe our misdemeanours need to be monitored so we still have that little speck of good value within us to believe that we are never perfect and when there is damage done to the society, someone needs to break an entry and try to fix it as much as they can, and the rest of us ought to watch and learn.

that is what's lacking in today's local community. conscience. the ability to do bad things but not dysfunctional enough to think that life could be better without them. we may be ignorant today, but at least realise the necessity to be better people..someday.

there, i've had my 2 pennies worth. X) as long as they don't ban my rock gigs sans the pornstar outfits wearing pole dancing adolescents. like rihanna. i don't know her but i just have this feeling she's a bitch and not a very good friend in real life..lol. i believe, k.

anyways..

alaaa louboutins.. ='(

if i was filthy rich and have donated enough to Gaza this would be what comes next.. ='(

more ankle boots moooooooooar..!

..ehehe. X)