there are times when i wish i can fit into a small bag.

there are times when i wish i can fit into a pocket.. but alas, my big arse cannot compromise.



times when i just want to disappear. you know, being small and insignificant is not enough. sometimes, i just want to be completely..



obsolete.

i'm tired of having to fuss, tired of having to care. tired of reaching out but they're just not there.

it seems that my mistakes always overshadow my unsung deeds. i feel like such a doormat. a lapdog. one whom is often shoved and teased then be left to lick my own wounds. there is not much room to whine and moan. these lemons are bringing tears to my eyes.

and above all, no one listens anymore..

you might as well not bother to look either.

and now i have a splitting headache..

patience is a bitch.

happy Ramadhan, everyone.

Would you like to put last night on repeat, and live it forever?
GOD no..


Can you successfully blow up and tie a balloon?
with a lot of effort..


Hows your heart latley?
pumping, thanks


Have you made anyone laugh while they were crying lately?
no one i know cried lately..


Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?
all of the above..=)


Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?
yes obviously


Do you trust all of your friends?
i trust each an every one to a different extent..


Morning or night person?
bit of both


Would you rather have love or money?
love..i was raised to be a simpleton, it's not hard really..=)


Last person you watched movies with?
i watched juno with nad..but i slept towards the end.


Do you hide your emotions?
sometimes..


Do you prefer to take showers at night or in the morning?
night!


Do you think you'll be married in 5 years?
er..i don't know really


Have you been to San Francisco?
nope.


Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
sufey!..my confidante


Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
i'd like to believe so..=)


Do you need to say anything to anyone?
nope


What were you doing at 7am?
studying calculus believe it or not..


What do you think of your number 1 on your top friends?
here we go.. friendster, i think i MUST go for her buka puasa dinner at her place tonight. facebook, i think she is my very talented misconstrued baby sister. myspace,..i think i know i love him a lot.


Can you legally drink?
nope and it doesn't bother me..


When is the last time you saw your mom?
yesterday morning..=(


Do you believe in karma?
no..


Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
bare feet


What was the last thing you drank?
water


Do you know how to play poker?
lol, not at all..


Have you ever kissed someone that has smoked before?
yes! you know i ought to make this a threat. smoke more than the allowed number of fags hence no kisses!.. =)


What did you do yesterday before you went to sleep?
pee


What will you do tomorrow?
classes..


Have you ever consumed alcohol?
nope


Have you done the following: weed, alcohol, cigarettes, crack, cocaine, meth?
crack..=cocaine? lol but no. my blood is cleeeean..


What is your date of birth?
march 15th 1988


How many siblings do you have?
2


What are you looking forward to?
this weekend..


If the last person you dated said they were in love with you, what would you say?
this isn't a hypothetical question anymore..lol. i would say, i love you back =).


Do you believe your ex thinks about you?
couldn't care less..


What was the first thing you thought this morning?
i was very cranky this morning..so i was thinking of a lot of..malicious things..


Are you afraid of the dark?
a little..


Are you currently frustrated with a boy/girl?
mehh..


Who did you last say I love you to?
the number one person who annoyed me yesterday..


Have a best friend?
yeah


What did you last eat?
capati


Are you gonna get high later?
you think i should?..


Who was the last person to text you?
skip


If myspace made you pay would you still use it?
pshh..screw myspace


Whose graduation will you attend next?
mine


Would you ever consider piercing your lip?
never


Do you toss & turn for hours at night or fall right to sleep?
well when i can't sleep i toss and turn..


Has anyone ever hung up on you?
yes.


Do you have unlimited texting?
eh?


When is the last time you talked to number 1 on your top friends?
friendster- she texted me a few hours ago..facebook- two nights ago..myspace- yesterday.


Did you speak to your father today?
no..


Have you ever driven without a license?
fuck driving don't ever talk to me about it..for now at least.


How have you felt today?
agitated


Is there any emotion you're trying to avoid right now?
extreme impatience


Have you ever kissed someone in a vehicle?
yeah


Are you a forgiving person?
i think i am..


What side of the bed do you sleep on?
all over the place..=)


Are your toenails painted pink?
no i don't paint my nails..


Are you wearing shorts?
yeap


Ever had a boy best friend?
yeah a couple..


Do you think Chad Michael Murray is cute?
he's so generic..


Last people in the car with?
nadila


Do you straighten your hair often?
nope..


What are you up to this weekend?
out with my sayang..=)


Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
no i love doyou!..albeit it wasn't really a full conversation i'm sorry..


Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?
only if he means it..


What is something you like to do when you're down?
study..yes study ok. and call someone up. and sleep. with the mp3 blaring on max volume..


Do you think anyone's thinking about you right now?
i hope so..


What are some things that you have everywhere you go?
phone, money, blalala..


Who do you text when you're having a bad day?
sufi..hanna..nadila..oh and whatshisname of course..


If you couldn't find the remote where is the first place you look?
i stop looking altogether..


Do you still draw with sidewalk chalk?
no


Were you happy when you woke up today?
i was incredibly annoyed to be frank..


Last time you laughed?
yesterday


Do you regret anything from your past?
life goes on..


Do you have trust issues?
i do..


Do you do your own laundry?
sometimes..


Is the opposite sex really worth it to you?
in some sense yes..


Have any stalkers?
God no..


Have you ever wondered how seedless watermelons are, well, seedless?
genetic crossbreeding and shit..


Who was the last person you stayed up with till 2am?
nadila..X)


Who did you last go out to eat with?
the whole gang as usual..=D


Have you ever been called insane?
yeap..=)


Have you ever been recorded on film without your permission?
i don't think so..


Who is the last person you physically hit?
my brother..we wrestle all the time =)


Did you know that marijuana is legal in Afghanistan?
i don't really care..lol


How many people of the opposite sex have made you cry?
what does it matter..


Who is your skinniest friend?
chep!


Where is your dream house located?
by the shores of loch ness..


If you had to stay awake for 24 hours, what would you do in that time?
eat eat eat stock up on energy..ride around town..movie marathon..shop..run a couple of miles..should do it =)


Who do you text the most?
whatshisname la..


If you could work at any clothing store, which store would you pick?
forever 21 is pretty hot..


Where was the last place you went shopping?
jusco ipoh..


What was the last thing you and your mom talked about?
my sister..


What color are your parents' eyes?
my mum's are these really clear brown shade i am jealous of and my dad's are almost black..


If you could get paid to do anything in the world, what would you do?
shopping for myself =)


Do you have any relatives who squeeze your cheeks when they see you?
er..no.


Have you ever had a "kick me" sign on your back without realizing it?
lol no..


Do your parents actually knock on your door before entering your room or just barge right in, instead?
oh they knock..


Do you know anybody who's got a "Chocolate" cell phone?
eh?..

there are these two things that fascinate me very much..

breathing,..and a beating heart.

yesterday i was lining up to pay for my groceries and there was this baby, cutest little thing ever on the little baby seat thingy on the shopping trolley just in front of me. he was hyper, tiny arms and legs all over the place it was so adorable. but when he just sat there quietly and so calmly, i was drawn to watching his little chest rise and fall at the pace of his breathing..

sometimes..i'm amazed at how deliberately calming it is just watching people breathe so steadily when they are fast asleep. sometimes i am so awestruck i feel like leaning over closer, much closer..and listen to the steady heartbeat inside too.

i feel like these two things signify life so profoundly, but they are usually overlooked seeing as how they are relatively mediocre little things compared to bigger things that might indicate..life.

to some, it is a loooong wholesome age. being able to run non-stop around the park at 85. giving birth. swimming in deep waters and not drowning. being able to outlive other smaller creatures. eating and shitting everyday and being able to wake up tomorrow unscathed. that's life.

to me before everything else, life..is signified, by the wisps of warm air that escapes a person's lips and the way their chest moves up and down in the same careful rhythm.. and between those bags of air, is a fistful of flesh that beats so deliciously, a monotonous symphony to the ears but it's worth paying all the attention to..

i love resting my head on his chest, and hear his heart beating so generously. i won't say much because i'd want to savour the feeling it gives me. all warm and fuzzy inside. there is that very presence that serenades me in silence well spent in. it feels great to feel so needed..

why, friday?..

.What would you like to say to the last person you kissed?
what i always say to him..

.What is the last reason why you cried?
because i thought i couldn't send the last person i kissed off the at airport last night..

.Where is your cell phone?
right here..

.Are you excited for the future?
not really..i'm trying to fix the present for now..

.Your boyfriend/girlfriend cheats on you with your best friend, who are you mad at?
..both, duh.

.Do you have any weird inside jokes?
lol aaaall kinds.

.I am __:
trying to get started on my homework..

.When is the last time you talked to one of your best friends?
about 2 minutes ago..

.Have you done anything you regret in 2008 so far?
yeahh life goes on..

.How often do you talk on the phone?
lately..often

.Who was the last person to make you laugh?
izzah..

.Is there any emotion you're trying to avoid right now?
extreme longing much??..

.Who honestly has your heart?
the last person i kissed.

.Do you have a bf/gf?
yeap

.Who's the last person of the opposite sex to hug you?
this guy who left for india last night..

.Last time you showered?
lol, yesterday!

.Where do you get your money?
from daddy..

.Is the person you like older or younger than you?
older by 10 days..

.Ever talk to someone who was high?
haha yes! and it was contagious..

.Did you have a dream last night?
i did..it was a very sad one..

.Last person you were in the car with besides your family?
izzah nadiya and haizum

.Are you thinking of anyone?
all the time..

.Are you mad at anyone?
AM I?!..

.Who is the last person to call you babe?
eza..

.How is your hair right now?
in need of a wash

.What did you do yesterday?
well i sent my boyfriend off at the airport..but i was sort of late.

.What is tomorrow?
a sunday.

.Is there a song stuck in your head at the moment?
snuff -slipknot

.Was your last kiss a mistake?
not in a million years..

-------------------------------------------------------------

when the day came, i never thought it'd happen this quickly..

never mind the fact that the person who was supposed to take me to the airport ditched me without telling me first. and i locked myself in my room and cried my heart out the whole afternoon..and eventually i fell asleep. amongst the many friends whom i thought i could depend my life on at any hour of the day, thank God for tika..

and we were running late. we arrived at the airport at half past eight. i didn't panic yet because he said he was only going in only at around nine. well i didn't tell him i was gonna make it to see him at all, so there we were running around looking for familiar faces..and i saw his mum, looking over the landing to the floor below..shit.

and there he was, down there, i missed him by a mere few minutes. tika and haizum would've screamed his name aloud if he hadn't answered the phone the second time i tried.. and the whole time we could only talk and wave and smile knowingly.. from afar.

if the world is according to aimi, i would've shoved pass the security, down the escalator, pushed through the other people and held him tight for one last time before he left.

but you know what?..seeing him happy and surprised and excited at the same time made me forget that i was supposed to be incredibly sad. i just wanted to hear his calming voice telling me everything will be okay. and during those brief few tens of minutes..i was convinced.

five months is nothing really. i'll wait..

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Everytime we say goodbye..
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you, I promise you..I will.

~ Lucky -Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat

i just hope india's taking real good care of you.

i dunno..life's just so bland these days..

i feel like i'm lacking that tenacity i once had, you know.. always up and running, ecstatic about everything that moves, perky and so so driven. i'm such a ragdoll these days. a lame worn out ragdoll you can toss around..shove under the bed..whatever..

it's this having to care about so much more things in life than just real work that's pulling me back. i come home seeing the rug in the lounge with fresh sauce stains no one's bothered to clean up, empty bottles everywhere but never enough water in any.. everything's just so demotivating. but you know that's how it works nowadays. you just shut up and walk away, or shut up and do something about it. but you know, this then moves me into unnecessary paranoia. it's unnecessary because i should have bigger things to worry about. it's so demeaning.

so my brain is tired, but my heart is well.. =).

anyhow..eza left on friday night.. what is up with everyone leaving me week after week, seriously.. first it was fairuz and caryn, 2 weeks ago was adrillerh, last week was whatshisname and mia, this week eza, farah in like two weeks from now..i feel so abandoned..=(.

yesterday morning i had debate. nad and i came late..because we got lost..because, hello..the golden 'oval room' lounge??..lol. because we were having this mock UN conference discussing the agreement to the independence of these two rural states that i have never heard of in my entire life.. I was made a scribe, thus i had to write down every single thing the diplomats and UN reps said..but God help me i have never heard of those places mentioned except Russia, Azerbaijan, Georgia, and the Balkan Sea..so i didn't know how to spell them..

so bodoh..

i came home and did my research..Abkhazia and South Ossetia rupenyee..you law people..sebutla betul2..

it was very enlightening though. i learned what a proxy war realy was all about and i found it sexy..yes sexy. how the west refuse to acknowledge these two states as independent lands as a show of superiority towards russia who patronises them so..hence influencing the rest of the world. but if ever the west inflicts russia's rage there will be a great blackout throughout that half of the earth because russia sells them oil and gas. but if they otherwise abide..they'll lose altogether. world politics is funny. it's how you play the game nevermind the conventional rules anymore..

but then the sense of empowerment if i were to have all these things at my fingertips would turn me on good..

..screw not having to spell the names of Godforsaken countries, right?

bijou bazaar this weekend was alright i guess. but after going around the place twice i think the vintage vibes are too otp. too much of those 50s-60s paisley cloak dresses. more importantly, i met naya and sufi!..albeit very briefly. definitely not enough. i almost forget what it felt like to have them as roommates.

life goes on..and i CAN'T WAIT TO BE BACK IN IPOH NEXT FRIDAY!..  ...!!

--------------------------

azzarul syazuan bin azhar, i <3 you..   happy 1 month, sayang.. =)