today by far, is the worst day for me in the longest time. i need a hug i want to cry i want to disappear. seriously this time, goodbye everyone.

hehehe..

X)

the Brothers Grimm told this story they first called "Die Wichtelmänner"..

it is a story about the elves that helped this old shoemaker loser..

he thought he was doing this super impressive job of making everyone's shoes but it's never good enough. and then these poor enslaved elves sneak out..in..whatever -in the middle of the night and make the shoes for him. cos he's this lazy arse that takes those elves for granted. that good for nothing old fart..

it does not justify their toil and hardwork by offering them clothes for God's sakes how about being more kind and considerate and do more than you think you're doing..which is not a lot.

rarr..

..why why WHY!!

by far the worst time of the month EVER.

the PMS was unbearbable already, i was ready to bite anyone who got on my nerves even by the slightest bit. DON'T ASK ME STUPID QUESTIONS. don't make me wait..

..but just when i thought it was all over, my tummy decides i've not learned my lesson yet God knows whatever that could be..i start cramping.

and it fucking hurts like never before. we were in the lab yesterday doing this lame unknown acid titration which was all kinds of redundant, but i was having quite a time with my group cos we're real funny people that we even make cheating our results look so impressively done. dr mikhail walked in on us when the others were trying to imitate my wearing my labcoat like a kimono pinned at the side only because it was ridiulously enormous if i wore it right i'd be walking around in a tent..

anyway, all was fine and dandy until i realised i got a little dizzy from the sterile smell and poor ventilation and it was unusually warm. dayat pointed out i was looking pale and asked what was wrong, i felt like hurling a flask of something highly toxic across the room yelling FUCK MY CONTRACTIONS!!

honestly, if you do not already know, my cramps hurt so bad and this kind of pain does not necessarily weaken you. sometimes it is so..so bad i'd just sit down clawing into my palm hoping no one would come and bother me cos if they do i might just start strangling someone begging them to pleeeeease help stop me from hurting..

it's the kind of pain that renders you delirious.

when i got home, first thing i did was drop everything onto the floor and started fumbling for my pain killers. I TOOK FIVE cos i didn't know what else to do and thought i'd bleed to death otherwise..and curled in bed in tears.

i woke up hoping that i'd be too nauseous from all of the pills to care but the pain was still there. grumpy, very unpleased me started snapping in the instant someone talked to me. you can't tell me to be patient about it when i have a bloody HURRICANE IN MY TUMMY.

i slept early last night and had a feast of a nightmare..

not to mention my throat that is healing steadily, thank God, and a 'growth' on my left cheek, and a right eyelid which was sore for i still don't know what reason. i don't know what's happening to me these days.

maybe i just need to see a my doctor here.

the problem with being content..

i have little to nothing to complain about.

I'M SORRY FOR MY LONG ABSENCE!..  X)


----------------------------------------------------------------------

the mid-semester break is almost over, yes? but i believe i've had one of the best week in a long while..=).




you know i once heard someone wise say, that to feel sorrow is a gift. it keeps you grounded and sober. you're rendered humble with little to flaunt and your patience and agility just grow with every surge of pain you endure. happiness is another. with happiness you just..forget, to feel anything else.

i am elated, and it's so fucking hard to keep my feet on the ground sometimes. =)
this might just scare me.

i had your fingers in my hair and your forehead to mine. did you notice how i kept my hand that was closest to you empty and available when we walked, in the cinema, in the car.. how about when i was looking dazed into the distance out of the side window when riding in the car with you, did you notice that i was actually busy staring at your reflection on the dark glass.. oh and the times i'd stray off on my own, hoping you'd come and look for me and accompany me.. when i was always pushing you towards the edge, it was because i always felt i could never be close enough to you. i love your warm breath on my face..

i wish you saw all of these way earlier. part of the reason i was incredibly quiet on the last night was because you didn't. i couldn't for the life of me do anything more because you made it crystal clear i should just back off a little after everything. were you holding back then..like the way i was?

i couldn't just have you leaving the next day disappointing me immensely.. there was nothing i regetted in the end. i'd recap each slicing second that i could remember drifting into and out of the night and every gulp of release i felt in between. the gentle pecks, the soft caresses, the bloodshot stare that had me looking away overwhelmed.

i'll do this for you. i'll wait for you. i'll long for you while you're away. make me miss you ten thousand times more than the last to make your next visit worthwhile. i'll keep you all to myself no matter how far we're apart. we'll claw in frustration still at the time apart just because this is worth it and never abandon what we started. i'll never abandon you. do you know how hard i've been trying to get this?..

i am still reeling from the craziness of everything. i guess my perserverance was to no avail after all. all those months spent rocking back and forth in the dark..

i love you. more than ever now.

<3