Hi, I'm contacting you today because I'm working with Sep Kamvar
and Jonathan Harris on a book about feelings on the web. We found
an image on your blog that we found beautiful, and we wanted to get
your permission to use it in the book. The book is based on the website
We Feel Fine (http://www.wefeelfine.org). In return, we will give you
a free copy of the book, signed by the authors, and an invitation to the
book launch when the book comes out. A description of the site is below. 
I'd love to hear back from you and if you provide a mailing address, we
can send you a permissions form.

Since August 2005, We Feel Fine has been studying human feelings from
a large number of weblogs. Every few minutes, the system searches the
world's newly posted blog entries for occurrences of the phrases "I feel"
and "I am feeling". When it finds such a phrase, it records the full sentence,
up to the period, and identifies the "feeling" expressed in that sentence (e.g.
sad, happy, depressed, etc.). The result is a database of several million
human feelings, increasing by 15,000 - 20,000 new feelings per day.

Using a series of playful interfaces, the feelings can be searched and sorted
across a number of demographic slices, offering responses to specific
questions like: do Europeans feel sad more often than Americans? Do women
feel fat more often than men? Does rainy weather affect how we feel? What
are the most representative feelings of female New Yorkers in their 20's?
What do people feel right now in Baghdad? What were people feeling on
Valentine's Day? Which are the happiest cities in the world? The saddest?
And so on.

At its core, We Feel Fine is an artwork authored by everyone. It will grow
and change as we grow and change, reflecting what's on our blogs, what's
in our hearts, what's in our minds. We hope it makes the world seem a little s
maller, and we hope it helps people see beauty in the everyday ups and
downs of life.

Thank you very much for your time,

Sincerely,

Matt
matt@wefeelfine.org

--------------------------

you want to know which photo they're talking about..

yes, hardly the most attractive cameo i'd ever imagine but it's a cameo
nonetheless and let me tell you honest and genuine so move aside la
'stripping pole-girl' i'm gonna be featured in an international-
selling BOOK for the real feelings i display and not for pretty good looks,
'ya dig? =)

Anyway, I AM BACK FOR MY SEMESTER BREAK oh yes to everyone's
mirth i know.. there are a lot of things i'd want to do now that i am back
but i think i'll talk about themin the next post.



most recently though..

..my hair is green..=)

i feel ALIVE!!

X)

je suis une raconteusse..i am a kick-ass storyteller, lol.

ahh but some faults perceeds me.
some stories are not meant to be told.
they have the knack of impairing me one way or another later.
ma petite, what did mummy tell you about being modest and humble?..
well to whom else am i suppose to turn to i'm forever listening
hardly being listened to..

oh but except when the few darlings go "how are you, actually.
do tell us..how are u holding up?"
it would take me off-guard every..time. not with the awe that
some people do actually care..merely that, when people
ask me how i am i would, on most ocassions say "i'm fine."
..although i usually stutter at trying to explain how 'fine'
i really ever am or..otherwise. but i'd most definitely..usually
will say "i..am fine." out of courtesy because see, i think
it'd be an insult otherwise..how can you be around such
wonderful friends and feel anything less than FINE..

so this blog, is the other side of me that will listen intently to
me and it insists to hear out for more than just "fine fine fine..
everything's alright.." i am..so sorry if i have ever offended anyone
with it in the past.

Anyway,.. I'm fine.

------------

This profound little interphase that is the holidays, yes..
well I am going to spend as little time out as I
possibly can..


OH CALAMITY! QU'UNE CATASTROPHE?!


Please..the world out there survives perfectly fine without me haha.


I am going to stay at home, spend lots of time with my family,
torment the cats, paint, work on my coffee-break top
secret project, clear up my wardrobe and give away some
old clothes to charity, watch a ridiculous amount of tv,
eat a lot i mean a lot, watch hockey with my daddy,
learn to cook(!) with my mummy, tutor the sister and brother,
roll around in my bed underneath my gloooorious duvet
savouring the feel of the air-conditioning caressing my skin
and frown at my chapped lips the next morning, go jogging
once in a while..


spectacular, isn't it? you should try it! X)

..ok maybe go out for the movies once in a while with some
old friends, what the heck..


i have newborn kittens..

see..baby kitties aren't they just precious? =)



and new addition to the family..

Cinnamon..and Candy..Cotton is MIA..


see, these are the most mischievous little brats i have ever
owned so far. they roll around on my bed like so, push the
bolster and CHARLIE, my giant green frog right there off the
edges, topple down books from shelves and everything else
that can fall a dramatic fall.. i am having to tidy up my room
five times a day if i leave the door open..


not to mention the sad fate of a cat allergy i have to live with lol.

oh love works wonders no?..you just tolerate everything for the
sake of them.




my hair's not green actually it's just the wonders of photoshop,really.
suddenly i'm not allowed to dye my hair, lol..





i think i am going to be told off about the phone bill again this month
..oh well dependency has a price! X)

some of my UM friends asked if i wanted to come with them to Bandung.
gahahaha i wish.. no i really do actually..=(

pretty gifts once they're back would suffice.




i guess i'll have to wait for our Euro-trip next year then, eh babes?..    =/




my daddy is having serious talks with the family about his long-dued
sabbatical-leave..we're they as in mum and dad will be moving to
the UK or US for a bit in the next year or so..daddy i want to go
pleeeeease take me away i am ready for the next phase in life..
oh but alas i don't finish my degree until 2011.. rarr..



i quite enjoy being this 'third-culture child' thing Li wrote about
some weeks ago.. i like feeling liberated like this..
once a good friend said to me.. "you see meanings in places..
WHERE THERE ARE NONE!.."  well i kindaf like that. because during
times when i feel ignored or dejected i have a companion to entertain
me right there..





I REALLY HOPE I DON'T FAIL MY BLOODY MATERIAL AND ENERGY
BALANCE PAPER.. i swear i'll be all kinds of woe if i find out i
have to repeat it. all kinds of inconsolable woe..




..and i'm sick of being in Civil Defence..i want to be like the normal
kids doing fun stuff..like photography or choir or smth..not wading up
the torrential waters of a river under the pouring rain hoisting heavy
injured people on stretchers..=(






ah well, i'm still fine. =)

can you guys stop posting suggestive things on the tagboard
please. i'm having to delete the nonessentials over and over
..don't do this to me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

you know how "what are you doing?" and "how are you?"
are two different things..

it's funny how people prefer to know what you're up to
at a moment rather than how you're feeling..

i might be reading a sad book about the plight of a third world
country but feeling exuberant at the time.

or i could be mulling over something saddening.

i don't know, here i am, three in the morning and i can't sleep.
and i feel as hollow as a baobab tree.

i feel that it'd be nice to have people wondering how you're
feeling sometimes. you don't have to ask..just wonder.
well asking would be nicer but if it's so hard..

i forgot how emptiness feels like. it feels much less than
conspicuous now. like you yell inside a big concrete room
but the echo frightens you because it reminds you that you're
only talking to yourself.

i pride of having the right things to say to people when
they are in need. but even right things don't work on me
it seems.



i am not lonely. feeling lonely would be an insult
to the countless blessings i have now. just hollow.
inside where no one can see unless you wonder and ask
how i feel. but you can't see it, isn't it the most curious thing?

i am not under-nourished neither am i deprived of love and
care. so this feeling still upsets me. i don't know exactly what
it is..i don't think hollowness is much of a feeling..it is the damned
absence of it.


i forget what great sadness feels like. i can only imagine it
being a surge of something that isn't very nice. i'm not there
yet..but i need help filling myself up.





i need adrillerh to call me one of these days so i can tell her
about my day and the past few months. i need to talk to her
for long hours so i can listen to how happy she is and laugh
and smile and laugh some more.

i need to confide in nad, haizum, and syamin everyday to
tell me to always be tenacious through whatever because i've
been so for so long to wane now.

i need doyou to convince me that the stripping-pole girl is no
match to me in many ways.

i need dayah to be the main reason i'll be excited to go back
to shah alam.

i need lan to ask me what's up cos it's been a while.

i need natallee to tell me anything BUT the obvious.

i need sufi to tell me anything but the obvious too..

i need to know that what i feel matters even the least bit
to people. the people that mean the world to me. the
people that come to me telling me how they're feeling.

that's all i need..

i don't need.. anyone making fun of me.
it's not funny.

it's four in the morning. and i still can't sleep..

-----------------------

[1248hrs]

i can't fucking start on my fucking scrapbook it's DRIVING ME MAD.

i'm all kinds of frustration right now. before the holidays started i
was so so eager to get this going..now i'm not so sure anymore.
i'm not so sure if it's going to mean anything anymore. i'm so
sick of everything right now. everything. this thing..this thing right
here is so simple and i can't even begin. it was going to be like a
little infant i'd be cradling so passionately because to me, it would
mean the world. I'M NOT SO FUCKING SURE ANYMORE. it's like
everything i do nowadays is to no bloody avail. everything. i am on
the verge of chucking this into the bin any minute now.

i want this to work. PLEASE just..for once work for me. i don't know,
work, just..please. i'm sick of doing nothing.

NADILA, HELP!!!

i've just got to do this..

do you remember when i wrote about how i don't really like
going to weddings?

you remember why though? well let me remind you.
i mean i like eating yeah, but i don't really fancy the whole
feigned smiles and having to behave so pure and prudish
at weddings..=(

i don't mean that i actually have this weird fantasy of acting
like a rebellious brat without a cause at weddings or anything
but i feel very little like myself. so stiff and confiiiiiined.
so poised and virginal..

my mummy made me go with her to this neighbour's wedding..
she said the neighbours missed me..

i didn't know the neighbours even cared?..now i feel bad.
i'm always keeping myself indoors all the time when i'm home
even when the nice neighbours come and have a chat with
mum out in the garden and exchanging pots of orchids la,
chatting the morning away..even the little ones come by just
to chat with mum.

"ibu, mane kakak yang besar sekali tu? dah lame tak nampak..
die tak balik-balik lagi ke? kalau cuti?..cuti die balik tak?.."



i'm talking about a fiiiiiive year old. a five year old cares of
my existence?..=( i'm touched. i'm sorry little kid..

so at the wedding today, i guess i didn't mind the feigned
smiles and the small talks with the neighbours young and old.


=)

i don't really like this picture that much but my "T-SHIRT"
is just too cute..  right, zarul?!  X)

i was feeling sickly nostalgic today. i went through old old
videos (as in video tape - vcr videos) of family trips and
birthdays and greenlands junior and europe from those
years ago. dusty photo albums, my boxes of old notes
and bits of paper with random scribbles we passed around
during class back at mgs. old school photos!..shit i miss
school..and then i found this..

this was one of the three of my final pieces for the school mag,
The Argosy. these were my classmates all 41 of us. where are we
now, eh? i mean i know where most of you lot are but i meant,
where are we now in each others lives?..

i can honestly say i keep in touch most religiously only with
about 2 of them in here. pastu mia (no. 17) u da nak blah da in a few
months =(. vernie (no. 37), we have A LOT to catch up on. i haven't
been reading your blog much lately i'm so sorry. how's ivan? how's
yanno and gabby and yibbie kityin? caryn (no. 36) ..we were so fucking
close back then what happened?! now all of the sudden out of the
blue you tell me you're studying for your entrance exam for some
pharmacy school in indonesia. what about all those other times before
this when i kept bugging you on how you were. did you think of telling
me anytime then? cassie (no. 12), you used to leave notes on my
table saying you missed me whenever i'm out of class for too long for
debate, librarian shit, decorating the hall for some lame event again
..what..happened? what the hell happened to everyone?!..

people just keep coming and leaving it's all too heartbreaking..

yeah i'm in the picture too god was i adorable go find me haha!

so i read mia's blog. the last few posts i missed. and my heart
clenched. (fore her ok, for her..).


oh how she storytells her woes so ardently..with such
deliberate fluidity and honest sorrow that renders you silent..



i submit all empathy towards them.

i'm not exaggerating, i feel you babe!

then i thought to myself..in a few fortnights time i will probably
be telling stories in the same, mournful tone. i shall lament like
my joy is nevermore redeemable. mia unlike you, i never
had it and i never will. too concerned for others' well-being i am
neglecting my own. i have always been miss pepper potts.
standing by as promised and patting my own back, licking my own
wounds after each succession and calling it a day. tomorrow
commences and i anticipate another helping of that stinging broth
like all the other days. it stings and seethes my throat..but it's so
warm and gentle to my stomach. it churns there a little, then it
tingles my veins..where it goes from there i do not know..



i try and try and try..and at the end of it all one day, i'll only
get to tell myself, i tried..

this inconsistency stings but it's making me stronger.

anyway, i haven't written an elegy in a looong time, have i?
that's got to change..be right back.

aiminspiringnneedofinspiration..someone to be the soul and body
of this poem. any takers?

yesterday i was sad. i was incredibly sad.


i was making coffee paper. it was very fun. i had a good time
with it. it was for my project, you see. i was all kinds of
giddy and excited. finally i am up to something good.



the more i got on with it, the more i waned. i found myself
stopping and taking long breaks too often. sitting on the bed
hugging my knees close to my chest, staring down at those
pieces of paper, bits of scraps down there on the floor.


if i had my way i'd terminate. but the coffee smells so lovely
and i've already used up a lot of black ink to put it all
to waste now.

writing is my forte, but this is just too heartbreaking..

but of course, i can't stay sad and vulnerable for too long.

i haven't cried in so long i'm not about to spoil my record yet.

and who's gonna take care of whatshisname if this shrink of his
can't even control her melancholy.

"mi..what is it actually tell me tell me..?!"

"oh maybe it's a suicide letter


..tormenting, isn't it. =)"

it's just not in my recent nature to stay sad for too long.
i'll be fine.

i stole this from xiannie's blog..



8 Things I'm Passionate About

1. Writing
2. Speaking
3. Poetry
4. Animals and Nature
5. Scotland
6. Music
7. Art
8. Nike..oh yeah baby


8 Things I Say Too Often

1. bring it on!
2. please la..
3. yeaa rrright (adrillerh-style)
4. that's not very nice..
5. aimincredible =)
6. u memang!
7. it's not funny anymore..
8. i know right..


8 Books I Read Recently

1. The Birth of Venus ..again
2. Greeks and Trojan ..this book i forgot to return to the
school library many years ago..i'm an exemplary librarian =)
3. Nostradamus ..this book is demonic, no one will take it
away from me i'm not joking..
4. Economics for SPM ..trying to tutor my sister
5. Angelas Ashes ..again
6. Cleo ..books-magazines..potatoes-potahtoes..
7. CPP Felder-Rousseau ..this book is EVEN MORE DEMONIC..
8. Introduction to Programming C++


8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over Again

1. Wonderwall - Oasis       ..=)
2. Torn - Natalie Imbruglia
3. I Want it That Way - BSB
4. Paint the Seconds - Chevelle
5. High - The Lighthouse Family
6. February Song - Josh Groban
7. On Fire - Switchfoot
8. Beat It - Michael Jackson

8 Things I've Learnt In the Past Year

1. sometimes, you feel better giving more than you get back.
2. most of the time, you have to put others before yourself.
3. trust ..is very expensive.
4. friendship..does not necessarily grow with time.
5. it's a great life to live =)
6. decide what you want, stick with it, and have faith all the way.
7. at the risk of being let down..again..being optimistic RULES. =)
8. if finding the right bra size for me is so fucking hard i'm
gonna just give it up one day, you just watch..

seriously, it's so hard it's not funny anymore. i need a bra taylor.

the end. =)