Too hasty is the sun at its dawning birth
Too clumsy as it hurries to bring the day mirth
In its wake does it not heed so many are maimed?
For kind merriment and levity shall never be the same

In the great distance, beyond the thicket of trees
The pinprick of warmth makes my forehead crease
I squint as it grows, and the sky is ablazed
So scrupulous I am to stay unfazed

The day sees a beginning much like all other
But I can praise not, the grief that comes hither
I hold my head aloft but my gaze falters
My nerves clench inside, but my eyes won't water
Conspicuous yet so blunt are my reasons for surrender
But surely, than submission to this curse I am under?

...or have I already lost?
I must retreat but at what cost?...


I see no liberty at my command
Just another forlorn attempt undone

I must confess, I adore you
Though evidently, our natures lie askew
I longed for assurance once the laughter subsides
Was I shattered soundlessly, when the hilarity died
Oh how the silence screamed in sore defeat
My delirium encompassed to where our hands would meet
In my forced absence, my eyes bore through yours
But in those sockets they would drop dismissingly, of course...
You would mime an apology soaked in pity
Keep the masked pretense taut, in this vicinity


I rendered myself careworn, but to every avail
And now the air around us is becoming stale
The game is understood
I foresaw my desires would do no good


For I can never be good enough...

I never knew simple can be so tough

I only sought to be yours
But those who protest would come in scores
And they would come at your defence
Like a towering barricade, a human fence
And you will never hear the words I cannot verbalise
Because with the betrayal, my bowels die
In the here and now my senses capsize
And I blame no other, but only I

The boisterous laughter will always be audible
But to celebrate you, as I grow feeble
Alas! It is not you who is the victim within
My flaws to you will always be foreign

How I lament this so
Ought I just let go?...

~to Blacksnow, from Firedust

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I was upset, obviously. I wrote a poem. I was still upset. I dragged Haizum out and we went for a haircut. I am incredibly happy with mine because it's short again. Snip snip snip it felt like I was letting go of evil parasites along with my unhappiness. It felt good.

I'm dead sick of myself leaving things where they shouldn't be. I suck.

I LEFT MY USB CABLE IN ZARA'S ROOM. Bodoh gile...(Editted: I FOUND A USB CABLE SOMEONE LEFT IT BY THE LIBRARY COMPUTER! I am fortunate...)

So for the past four days or so I have travelled through six states in the Peninsula alone. It's been hectic as shit. Most of the time overwhelmingly distressing. I was convinced that last week...the entire of last week, was one of my worst weeks yet...before I realised I was PMS-ing.

Oooohh, patutlaa...

Anyway, I was on my way to the bus station on Friday feeling so incredibly miserable I would've gladly opened the car door, let myself roll out onto the pavement and just lie there baking in the sun...but I had a bus to catch. And I was going HOME.

Nevertheless I was relentless in trying to give myself an escape for a bit. At home a pot of steaming creamy carbonara sauce was waiting for me next to a colander of warm fettucinni. Inside the fridge was a tray of cute little pots of cold puding sagu that were sinful to the mouth. They rendered me into intoxicating peace...Mum kept shoving little plates of food into my hands whenever I was idle or staring into space. It was brilliant. I couldn't even bring myself to start yelling seeing the state my room was left in by the brother and sister. I was in a glorifying stupor...

The next morning however, early in the morning, I had to leave for Shah Alam again. Oh bugger was I detesting it like a little shrew. I couldn't understand why it would take 3-and-a-bit hours to get to Shah Alam when it's supposed to be only 2 and a half. Arrived right in front of my room only to realise I COULDN'T FIND MY BLEEDING ROOM KEY. For crying out loud, AGAIN?!

I was beyond irritated that I felt like throwing things over the balcony for the sake of it. There were men working on the new toilet installments watching me like WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, LEAVE ME ALONE!! I wanted to call people to let some steam go but stupid freaking maxis wouldn't allow me. Why are you doing this to me, seriously...

Thank God though, only later I found out my roommate miraculously enough, was in the room...I was astonished but pleased...but annoyed still I mean WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING, ENJOYING A LAUGH WHILE I WAS BANGING ON THE DOOR NONSTOP?! Biotch.

And hour and a half, then I had to leave again for Terengganu this time for our industrial visit. EIGHT FREAKING HOURS OF BUS-TRAVELLING ON SATURDAY ALONE. I amaze myself. Even the parents were making noise about it, lol. Oh but the father was excited for me said I'd really enjoy the field trip. He was so excited he bought me a new camera the night before I left. Okay, gile semangat daddy, haha. So *bumpity-bump* in the bus across the country (well actually no, the bus ride was quite comfortable actually).

The trip on the whole was quite something. I liked bits of it. The fact that we stayed in Hotel UiTM in Dungun which was by the beach. The part where my friends tempted me to try all sorts of different kinds of east-coastal delicacies like bubur pulut durian, sata, et cetera...

The parts about it that stank so badly were those such as when my brand new camera went dodgy. Real fckin dodgy, I turned it on and the lenses came out all wrong...all crooked. IT WON'T SWITCH ON NOW. I was like...are you kidding me?! It was barely 24 hours old!!!! And the hotel being by the sea it had DEAD POOR MOBILE RECEPTION and I coudln't call ANYONE FOR CONSOLATION THAT I VERY MUCH NEEDED!! Well obviously ayah's effort of having bought the godforsaken thing for me specifically so that I'd take real good pictures of the petroleum refinery plant the next day was to ABSOLUTELY NO AVAIL. Pssshh. Then the next day....apparently the refinery plant was not a refinery plant. It was only a storage terminal!!! Best still......WE WEREN'T EVEN ALLOWED TO GO IN!!!!! So for two MURDEROUS hours we sat in the conference hall watching a slideshow on petroleum processing...

BRILLIANT. HUNDREDS OF KILOMETRES WORTH OF TRAVELLING FOR A STUPID, LAME, GOD-HELP-ME PAINFUL SLIDESHOW THAT WE COULD'VE PREPARED OURSELVES.

TRUST my classmates to plan a spotless......planning pshhh.

So Terengganu trip kinda looked like this from my phone camera since my real camera frigging broke...

...maybe not just yet.

The huge gas flares excited me ardently.......

Anyway, left the place almost fully disappointed. I was looking forward to hopefully going to one of the huge petroleum complexes with HUMONGOUS FIRE FLARES ERUPTING FROM EVERYWHERE wearing a cool jumpsuit, synthetic boots and a plastic hat and throw in a pair of cool safety goggles too. Woe was me. Don't mention being beyond exhausted from the non-stop travelling and close to no sleep. I rock.

Made our way back and I was evidently really pleased about it because Mam was having this barbecue thing at his brothers house that night and I was looking forward to make it back in time for. WELL OBVIOUSLY I WAS HAVING TOO MUCH GOOD FAITH IN MY CLASS BUT THEY MADE LIKE TEN THOUSAND STOPS ALONG THE JOURNEY BACK HOME. I was close to tears of fury. You inflicted my pre-menstrual wrath you little ticks...Can you imagine though, stopping by the roadside buying keropok lekor for half of a whole hour. Beli keropok lekor tak agak-agak punye lame siot...and they were buying the wet uncook kind. DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY SENSE OF LOGIC, WE DON'T HAVE FRYING PANS IN OUR ROOMS. Omgeeeeeeee macam la kat Shah Alam...KL...whatever...takleh beli keropok lekor. Later we stopped at Kuantan for 2 hours. Stopped at this other unknown place for what it felt like an entire lifetime. Stopped in the middle of nowhere again for buka puasa...after everything, arrived back at campus just before midnight. WE FRICKING LEFT THE OIL TERMINAL AT 2. TEN WHOLE HOURS OF........GAAAAAHHHHHHH! Obviously no bbq.

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Last night however, was SUSHI NIGHT........SUSHI NIGHT!!!!!!

Special as it was, because we were celebrating Raja's post-birthday night...just us...the usual bunch...and that was probably the best part about it. It was rad. We had soooo much good food, camwhored too much for our own good, watched HAIRSPRAY and we jiggled and sang in our seats, and then ultimately......WENT FOR THE BEST BROWNIES IN TOWN AT RASTA!!!....=)

Mmmmm...soba...

Birthday girl Raja looking ~fierce~ and Dee

Zara and Shira

Slept in Zara's room in UM after the usual chit-chat-about-everything-that-matters time...it was lovely, of course.

It's good to get back to basics sometimes. This time it was particularly necessary. I needed to remind myself how it is actually like to go out and have fun with people without feeling opressed and sad. I was in a car and there we were, the five of us yelling at the top of our throats and laughing effortlessly, and I was not painfully silent this time...

For the first time in weeks I wasn't leaning forwards onto the passenger seat, stealing glances over, thinking of wishful things about the driver. Amidst the loudness I wasn't busy telling my churning embroils to "Shut up, damnit, before somebody hears you." I wasn't sitting rigid in my seat trying to contain myself from blowing my cover. With the teasings and the misconstrued sarcasm and raucuous laughter yet I wasn't forcing my presence. I wasn't pretending to be unaffected. I wasn't pretending to be all okay.

I love my new friends. To bits. And it's not entirely their fault that at times I have felt deeply offended or harshly creased by some things said and gestured...but that's just it. I don't want to be the bitch spoiling others' moods...but maybe, sometimes when I'm quiet, maybe there's a fairer reason for it.

Mam and Haizum ought to know. There will be a brief pause, and then I'll look at either one of them and smile....just smile, significantly. And then I'll be quiet...

Oh Darn I just gave that away, didn't I.