YES! I KNOW HOW TO USE IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...I mean, well enough at least. Cukup makan  for the next 2 months worth of fucking engineering (I still surprise myself everytime I say this word).

I am in the faculty's computer lab now.

Today it was raining horses and giraffes. I got my whole jeans soaking wet. It was fun.

I have a calculus test next Saturday. I swear to God after everything I have to go through, if I don't get Architecture the next semester I'M GONNA BE REEEEEEEEEEALLLLLY MAD.

Thermodynamics sucks. I hate it. I like calculus the best so far can you believe it.

Apart from that...I still don't like the place that much.

The end.

I dunno why I still try really. I want to stop talking to you now please! Cos you're still too obnoxious and so full of yourself and and...inconsistent. Have to really ignore you now. And you've got to stop talking to me. Seriously. It's a warning. I tell everything to Hanna now. You're officially not wanted. Ok bye.

Is it fall autumn yet? IS MY HEROES HERE YET?

I had this dream last night...it was about shoes. In it I was thinking, once the patent-leather super high peep-toes et cetera et cetera trend ends, what will be the next generation heels look like?.....and then I thought why not trainers?! I mean it'd look ridiculous but in the dream itself I was thinking of having my favourite type of footwear in a form of heels/wedges/whatever, total random stuff but it was a dream anyway...

And then I browsed ONTD today, obviously and.....OH MAI GAHH...

Gwen Stefani's new platform sneakers for L.A.M.B?! That's a deja vu, that is. Platforms...close enough. Trainers sneakers anyway. They look kindaf odd though. I dunno I dunno I once thought peep-toes were fuglay but they don't annoy me anymore though. Hmm...I have a feelig they might look cool street-style afterall...

You know how some people want to be different and recognised. Well I think to a certain extent you will come to realise that being different from everyone else also means that you can't really share that difference with anyone else. You won't have it in common with most people...and that in itself, feels very isolating...

Oh for fucks sakes....~Pete Wentz~ is singing. He should stop now, it makes me want to cry.

I have a Chemical Process Industry presentation tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it! =). It's called Acetic Acid and its Manufacture from Sugar and Methane. It's actually pretty cool. We spent hours in the library this morning getting our slideshow done. I hope it all goes well. I can't wait to show everyone the picture of my farting man.

Fart = Methane 

Methane   ----(synthesis)---->   Acetic acid   +   Byproducts

Acetic acid ----(fermentation)--->  Vinegar

We eat fart. Hahahaha. Ok that was lame.

Tomorrow I shall take the bus to the main campus to the post office. I have one rainbow lollipop to post to Rabbit in Sabah, and another rainbow lollipop for Cow in Sarawak. They will be very happy (=.

On Saturday I'll be having my first Calculus test =(. But no matter no matter...After that Zara's and the girls are driving over, pick me up and GO OUT OUT OUT. Watch Disturbia, spend time with Drill before she leaves in less than a month. <=(...Oh noes. Seriously though, it will be very sad when the 3rd comes. I'll make sure I'll be at the airport that Monday.

Okay to be perfectly honest my class' practices for the performance we have to do for our Formal is like crap. I wish wish wish I can help them change a few things here and there but I've only gone to one practice so far and I don't want to seem monopolising or anything all of the sudden...Oeuvay...now what.

All in all, though...I think I'm already falling in love with this university. Really, it's a lovely place and my faculty is definitely showing good prospects and world-class reputation it's just the people I am not happy with. The college staff are generally unecessarily rude. The students.....well most of them, are just plainly NONSENSICAL. Queing up is definitely not a big tradition here. Kampung girls yelling over each others' heads is painfully common. There is a serious lack of common courtesy around here. And it gets really frustrating trying to tolerate it most of the time. And I hate looking like the bitch when I show that I'm really getting impatient with some people here who are complete RUBBAYSH.

OH SWELL, I just found out Miza's here too!! Bumped into her two days back. Smart girl's doing Medicine here obviously. I remember she was our tuition teacher's golden pet. Miza's one of the nicest, most unfazed-by-anything kindaf people I've ever met. I wish I can be that nice.

Okay gotta head back and study now cheerio~

The limit of (tan x)^{cos x} as x approaches half pi.

I COULDN'T EVEN DO THAT. OMFG die now, please. The first few questions were fine but towards the end.....mon Dieu. Monsieur L'Hospital you betrayed me!

Anyway, glad that's done with. Not glad that I couldn't do it that well, obviously. Next up, ThermoD on Thursday and Chemical Process the day after.

I realise how much I miss speaking French.

Pardon, professeur, je ne comprends pas. Voulez-vous repeter cela en anglais, sil vous plait???

=(

M'AIDER!!!

Something about the UM people.....THEY'RE ALWAYS ALWAYS BUSY EVEN ON WEEKENDS. Hence my friends and I are not going out today =(. Boohoo. I shall go out anyway, this stress is getting to me.

My presentation yesterday...well it didn't go so well afterall. Know why, because the guys in my class were being TOTAL PRATS right, I felt like spiking their drinks with estrogen. Feel my menstrual fury! They were making fun of my English and were obviously being horribly mean about it. I was speaking up front and they were imitating me at the back and going all "Hekeleh...bajet LONDON."

Okay, bitches...were you born in a cave or something. I wasn't trying to brag I swear that was just how I've always been like, sod off please.

And when it was the guys' turn to present, the other guys at the back yelled things like..."Bob, kau pun speaking la LONDON macam die...takyah ar weh, speaking Kelate je...bereh!!"

One of the groups were presenting their introduction on Cement. The others at the back were yelling "Tak paham!..." and then.....the guys at the front showed a slide subtitled Dalam Bahasa Ibunda with a full BM translation to their topic introduction to everyone...

WTH.......are you fucking kidding me?!

I felt like banging my head on the table. 

Majorly screwed up, ok.

Whatever, sucks to be you guys when Dr. M was making a joke about your own peens dropping on the floor in class yesterday I was the only one who understood and laughed, LOSERS LA.

To Naya: GET WELL SOON DARLING!!! =(

That's where I am now...in Sufi's room to be precise. This is all so out of the blue. After my last post I decided to do something drastic and adventurous and...I took the bus to Seksyen 2, then randomly took some bus labeld 'KL Sentral' and rode for about 40 minutes down the Federal Highway and suddenly...the bus stopped at the bustop a couple of blocks down from UM so obviously I got off.

I walked a whole distance from the front entrance, walked in and passed the guards, smiled and carried on as if I was a student, walked another huge distance aaaall the way to 6th Residential College to meet up with Syarifah and Dalila, my ex-classmates at PASUM, chatted long and hard with them, rolled around in their beds, reliving the UM moments...

After that I walked out, turned back, crossed the Varsity Green, passed by the joggers, the rugby field, Baktisiswa, crossed the road across PASUM's Che Lah Bistro, walked oh so confidently through the Ambang Jepun and PASUM blocks, recapping the beautiful memories I had there with the gang, passed by Dewan Kuliah Utama and peeked in...same as always. =)

.....walked some more until I saw 12th RC looming before me, a car stopped by the roadside and asked me for the directions to 11RC (oh...my old home that was) and I proudly showed him the way. I crossed the zebra crossing towards the hostel towers, looked for the reload vending machines so confidently where I remember they once were situated, took the lifts straight to Sufi's room upstairs. The architect was busy finishing her Crit project.

I haven't met my PASUM friends in a good 3 whole months and these three were the first. The doctors, and an architect. It's funny how Sufi's good at physics yet she's doing architecture. I'm considerably okay at arts and I'm doing engineering. It's cute how we both took the act of bravado to do things completely different and out of our worlds. It's cool now.

Out of spontaneity still, I'm staying over in Sufi's room for the night, with no new change of underwear, no fresh change of clothes and my phone is dying....I'll go out in a bit to buy disposable knickers, I borrowed a loose top from Syarifah, and will meet Kawie later to have him charge my phone.

Ah........life is good when it's light and unplanned.

God, no, shut up please. This Wentz guy annoys me evvvverytime I'm here. Please, enough. I can't help it that there's no wireless around here that I've to pay you for internet but you and your silly girlfriend can definitely help, I think, not to scream out my name aloud across the room five times.

I don't like people knowing my name around here, ok. It's privacy intrusion.

---------------------

I'm home now. I took three different forms of public transport today if you don't count walking.

Before that, well last night Sufi and I talked plenty. Her room is dead cool. I loved the furnishing, 12th is so neat. We were updating each other on all sorts of things. The cool indonesian friend, the old friend who is now gay, the flaky bitch who hasn't changed a bit apart from her inch-thick make up, she took me for a peep at her architecture studio and met with some familiar faces there, went for tea at Midvalley (oh yes I do miss Midvalley now and once I was already bored of it).

Watching her finishing her project was enlightening...she even has her own toolbox......I want my own art toolbox too =(. I leaned over the balcony just outside the room and recollected so many feelings. I've forgottened how I loved it that UM at night was so hauntingly peaceful yet tamed by the humming of vehicles from the highways around it. Sufi later joined and we watched some guy in a towel playing futsal in a foyer across the block.

This morning...well not so much, really, we both woke up at 2pm, went downstairs and met up with Asyraful. Zati, my fellow Calabasher joined a bit later and we talked about things still. Saw AhChong, dorky as usual, lol.

I tried very hard not to get to attached to all of that.

----------------------

MY HOME IS HERE NOW. And it's not so bad, really. Well I still don't like the people that much still.

Oh my God, stop......

I've come to the point where I CAN'T EVEN STAND PEOPLE SPEAKING IN ACCENTED MALAY ANYMORE.

Actually not all the loghats...I can definitely still stand Negeri Sembilan's and Sarawak's and...that's about it. I can't even stand PERAK'S. I can't stand my brother and sister speaking it.

I can't stand Kelantan's Terengganu's Utara's.....I CAN'T STAND THEM, I'M SORRY. Not that I'm being disrespectful or anything but because so many of them us make it a point to classify ourselves by which state we come from and obviously what our BM sounds like, I've decided to...not stand them. Screw semangat kenegerian seriously. It sickens me that most of the time I pass by a group of girls around here THEY SPEAK THE SAME ACCENT OF MALAY. You lot are an uninteresting bunch, honestly, get over yourselves, stop living in a shell, the world now is all about DIVERSITY.

Oh sale......sucks to be the people who live in the Northern Hemisphere, us here get to enjoy colourful summer clothings still, aaaaall year round.

Don't you love it when you get to quote song lyrics describing complete ironies?

Calling all cars we've got another victim
'Cause my love has become an affliction
What did you expect from me?
What did you expect from me?

I'm sorry but I think i failed to mention
that I lied at my very first confession
What did you expect from me?
What did you expect from me?

Oh my dear, what have I gone and done now?
It's curtain call, I'm about to take my last bow
What did you expect from me?
What did you expect from me?

And in time I can use this too...

So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word when I swore that I would let you down
(And now that I'm gone)
Try to forget me and just move on
So will you scatter my ashes where they wont be found?
I kept my word and you hate me for it now
(You knew all along)
Try to forget me and just move on

It's a track by Senses Fail, Calling all Cars. I've always wanted to mosh to this sng with significance.....this significance is a rather overwhelming one now that it's actually for real.

Lol, anyway, Thermo-D test number one tomorrow.....Oh noes. I are scared. But seriously though, I'm scared enough that I'm too chickened to even open my book tonight. Probably won't be sleeping anyway.

Calculus test papers have already been marked...and my lecturer said 'she remembers my name'...it could work both ways, that statement.....=S.

Dr. M's 29th birthday was last Sunday.......ehh, I thought he was 32 or summat, haha. Because he rants too much in class......XP.

Today at the start of interval it started to pour. And I was cold to the bones. We had to stay indoors in the faculty building waiting for the rain to subside. It somehow interested me so, seeing so many umbrellas of all sorts of colours and patterns bobbing up and down all around me, and those scattered by the sidewalks. SO MANY PRETTY UMBRELLAS. I felt like wanting a pretty umbrella myself. My umbrella was just this boring grey one with a tartan underside. So ordinary......

Therefore, I popped over to the shops, bought myself a really good permanent marker, went upstairs to my room, and started scribbling on my boring umbrella to decorate it.....

I was rather pleased with the end-product actually......and I would've posted a picture of it here IF I CAN FIND THE BLUDDY USB PORT ON THIS COMPUTER. Pshhhh. My newly decorated umbrella....=)....has a huge sketch of a dead tree, my signature Billy-inspired pixie, and An Evening with the Epidural scribbled everywhere else. I hope the rain doesn't wash the ink off....

You know I've always thought, well maybe it's just to me, that going out with a classmate is like incest.....It's like an unwritten law, that you've got to face a hundred and one bad consequences if you decide to have a thing for a classmate. I mean seriously, WE SEE EACH OTHER EVERYDAY. It's too stark raving weird in my honest opinion. I'm completely against it. What to do, what to do now...I feel sooo awkward going to class these days that I don't want to do it anymore (?!). No, I mean seriously though, what do you do...you be nice out of common courtesy but your intentions are being completely miscomprehended. 'You were making fun of the way I speak, for fucks sakes..., what do you think you're playing at?' IT'S NOT FUNNY, OK. I really don't like this. I don't want to be a bitch about it. But I'd like to go to the formal on my own, thanks. And please don't be the daily gazette about this. I can do without the pressure.

Hence, Calling All Cars.

Oh fuck I just spilled ice cream on my tudung.......I JUST DID MY LAUNDRY YESTERDAY!!!

 Je suis desole, sorry I am having a panic attack now, apparently.

"What did you expect from me?".....SERIOUSLY WHAT WERE YOU FUCKING EXPECTING FROM ME?!!?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's getting to my head.

Here's the story. So we were supposed to be having or Thermodynamics test today, right, the girls and I came to class a bit late but no matter, the lecturer wasn't in yet, was she. Now, I usually sit in the middle by the window because usually that is the only empty space there would be left since I'm usually the last to come in. Lo and behold that was the only proper place left today too. HOWEVER I SWORE FOR THE LIFE OF ME TO NEVER SIT THERE AGAIN BECAUSE IT'S THE ROW DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THE GUYS'. So today, out of rash haste I chose to sit right in the front by the lecturer's table where no one usually dares sit. I was inevitably alone, but no matter, seriously, I WAS FINE. Until the lecturer came in and was all, "I want you all to spread apart from each other...can someone come and sit here at the front." *gestures to the seat next to mine*. I was just waiting unfazed, glanced over to the other side of the room where my gang was and it wasn't impossibly hard to make out that they were miming "FAIZ, WEH!!"

And I was like "Oh for fuck's sakes...." *clenches teeth*
And the guys were like "Gile ambik kesempatan, syal!"
And the girls were all "Sabar Aimi..." *giggles*

OMG STOP, PLEASE.

Test, 3 long questions, I was in too much embarassment and disgust, *yuk*, that obviously I couldn't concentrate enough. I COULDN'T DO AN ENTIRE QUESTION WORTH 13 MARKS OUT OF 30 ALTOGETHER NEVERMIND THE OTHERS THAT I COULD ONLY DO 3/4 OF THE WAY.

YOU'RE MESSING UP MY LIFE SERIOUSLY, GO.....AWAY!!!

I could easily ignore your existence in the midst of the gossips and unnecessary attention but don't you dare screw up my studies, you conniving useless prat I'm not scared of breaking hearts anymore now. No more miss nice person, I'm done having courtesy, you're taking advantage now. PLEASE GO BACK TO HATING ME FOR MY ENGLISH, HONESTLY, I'D VERY MUCH PREFER THAT.

So right after I handed in my paper I wasted no time, reached into my bag for my phone and rang Nadiah and made her talk to me out of desperation. I was desperate to distract myself from having to talk to him obviously and thank God he just left not long after. After Nadiah I called Adrilla and ranted some more, expressing myself very LOUDLY all the way to the lifts, got in one, kept on talking, slightly unaware how loud I really was...

"...and you know we had that theory where to us classmates are like fam-....I mean....er....do you remember ohana?.....Drill?..."

Anim (a classmate): "...line putus" *grins*

"DAMNIT!" *stamps foot*

....apparently the lift I got into was full of my classmates whom, by the time I had to stop talking on the phone were giggling their heads off.

Ainul (another classmate): "Hehe, dalam lift mane dapat signal...hehe"

Even after we got out of that chokey of a lift some of them were mimicking me on the phone aloud..."Drill! Drill!.....my life is over lah!...Macam mane ni?!....Hehehehe"

I ignored and called Adrilla back..."DRILL I WAS IN THE LIFT AND THE LINE PUTUS AND HALF OF MY CLASS WAS ACTUALLY LISTENING TO OUR CONVERSATION AND THEY'RE MAKING FUN OF ME NOW!!!"

Adrilla:  "OMG, it just gets shittier for you, doesn't it?? Hahahah...."

*to the classmates after hanging up the phone*"...sorry, that was a display of a typical aimi-panic attack."

My test, you ruined it. If I don't get architecture next semester I will kill you, you insignificant little boy.

Before the test Haizum, Imam, and I hung out at the infamous DC during lunchtime and talked loads and so far, they're the only two members of my peers I can really tell loads to. Tonight I'm going out with them with a friend of theirs who has a car and I'm grateful for that because I honestly....honestly need a release...

Tomorrow night, DINNER WITH ADRILLA AND MAH GIRLS. I am extremely grateful for that too. I need a bigger release still, I think. Screw practice with the class, okay, I'm resentful towards them now.....YOU LOT REALLY THINK IT'S FUNNY DO YOU?? How's me ditching you guys during Formal night's performance. HAH, gelak la, gelak....

...my umbrella. Cantik tak? Say la cantik......

...and someone's feet stinks in here. Really. I can't breathe..

I can't breathe on so many of levels these days. In all honesty, and I think it's probably dead clear by now I should be sick of having to remind myself but, the only time I feel in my zone and free and untied is when I'm out and about with my real friends, I'm with Mam and Haizum and their people, I am with internet, I'm around LOUD music...and that's about it. Otherwise, I am just a sulky bitch who can't seem to be happy with too many things and the worst part of it is that I don't care how well others have made it despite having to go through much worse than what I am going through the point is they're fine now but I'm not, I rest my case.

I know I should be extremely patient now but I'm not feeling very virtuous these days so don't talk as if you know so much about all this you just don't understand so just stow it.

Eventually I have to just calm down but I don't need criticisms, I prefer motivation.

Therefore in my desperate attempt to allowing only good, positive energies around me for now I have yet again cut connections with a number of people.

1) Those who can't stop comparing my ~child's play~ tragedies to their own (so it seems to them) 'OMG-CAN-DIE' life stories...er, yeah nice try, it doesn't help me, and you're a spoiled brat.

2) The know-it-alls who thinks their life is beyond perfect I should follow in their footsteps or something.....yeah, wait till it's your turn and see who'll run back crying to mummy then.

3) The incredulous people who by the power of unbelivable stupidity just make things worse by saying things like "What were you thinking?...I can't believe you did that...Sucks to be you...I dunno, my life is great, I wouldn't know how you feel..."  and all of the sort. Say selfish things at the wrong time I might quietly disown you. Point me the obvious and I'll hang up the phone and delete you from my phonebook.

And this KESATRIA SHIT......seriously, WHAT GIVES?! I've missed meetings for I forgot how many weeks. I have to admit I took it lightly but you can't blame me, I've got bigger things to worry about than useless co-curricular activities right now. Some say I'll be taken into a hearing. Some say I won't get my exam slip now, some say  they might just fail me altogether and I'll have to retake it next semester. I''d very much prefer the last one because if my dad found out I've been abandoning it he'll probably scream something along the lines of "YOU IRRESPONSIBLE CHILD WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!"

I'm stressed out, ok.

I'm so stressed out I'm beginning to think of doing really random things just to keep my mood up. Like:

- start wearing braces
- chop off my own hair ...done
- go moshing
- go crowd-surfing
- FUTSAL PLEASE!
- stand in the rain right now, get all wet and sick so that I don't have to go for Thermodynamics class this afternoon...

I'm scared. I'm scared that once I leave this place I'll be a whole different person and not in a good way. You know for all the time I've spent trying to counter being myself just to tolerate the people around here and fit in...I always tell myself that the best part of this is probably where I get to be different than my friends and just do my own thing...but I get scowled at and teased just by doing that sometimes. So what now then. Can you imagine one line in English and I get a whole group of people staring at me in a forced fit of giggles that I find myself cowering more and more from SPEAKING these days. I've become ~MUTE~. I refuse to express myself because no one really responds to me well, either that or they just make me feel that I should actually feel embarassed after what I'd just said. I feel so trapped.

Can't wait for Saturday. I GET TO MEET MY REAL FRIENDS at Drill's house. I shall stay over in KL for the weekend.

Oh and Haizum and I are planning to stay outside of the campus grounds next semester. Fuck college life seriously, CURFEW AT 11PM, SERIOUSLY GO DIE NOW I'm not tolerating it next year, okay. I had to climb over the back gate the other day because I was barely a few minutes too late and the guards had already locked the exits. Bodoh la. I'm not happy about being kept indoors BY 11PM until I'm 23, alright, I have a life.

Now I only have to try to convince the father who's intent on getting me a residential college next year for ~safety reasons~. Screw you college students whom have been dying after being raped and stabbed and whatnot in rental homes and stuff you ruined a free life for me and my dad might not let me live outside on my own now. Why couldn't you just stay good and not be stupid enough to blow your covers and befriend potential rapists that eventually killed you.

I so love Got Milk ads...