It's times like this that one can only wish so badly for a miracle. That's what I've oft been praying for these days. A miracle.

Or...I'd even settle with a bit of amnesia going on. Why not. Wake up tomorrow morning forgetting everything that's been happening for the past two weeks or so. I'm sooo exhausted from being so stressed out.

I don't want to go. I've tried too hard trying to except things as they are but I just can't this time. I'm having horrid vibes that things are going to be just like, if not worse than, the whole nasty month at Matrics. I can't do this.  

I haven't had a full meal since the week started. That was up until my dad rescued me from that sickhole university called whatstheplace in Smalltown Somewhere and took me home on Friday. I survived three days on dry biscuits and cereals and plain, plain water. Before we headed home he took me to KFC and despite my usual complaints that KFC chicken is too greasy and unhealthy, I ate -like a viking.  

I can only say in all honesty that my life for the past few weeks has not been a breeze. Times have been difficult and I am meeting with the hardest part of my life so far. A part of me feels that I am just simply too young and too incompetent to be tackling such a big ugly mess. But the other part of me feels that I am fortunate enough to stay alive and kicking through it all until the here and now. Although I can't say much the same about my will. So much has happened that I am growing painfully feeble to anything that moves lately. Have you ever found yourself at a complete lost? People keep telling you that you have to keep up with the fracas and find a way to mend all the faults bit by bit, just to be pushed over the steep edge and plummet into the thick bushes below covered in cuts and bruises...again and again. That's how I feel right now. I am not forcing silly drama like you irkedly accuse. You have no idea.

I drove home down the highway, minutes to midnight, with poor vision and shrouded thought as a very tired father slept to my left. At times the loud noise coming through the earphones from my mp3 could not drown loose screams in my head. And to those unbearable inner rackets I felt my nerves race with every beat of my pulse until Dad woke up a couple of times warning me that I was speeding past 120kmph and losing pace. How I unconsciously lost sobriety was frightening.

Arriving home was both relieving and befuddling. It was only then that it hit me, I snuck out of the orientation chaos, slithered through the crowd, dodging suspicion and interrogating seniors with my bags and made my way to the car waiting by the guarpost. I told no one. I basically escaped out of college without permission. But did I really give a blow? I have a future to reform.

Time and time again there will be a soul or two who try to prod some 'sense' into me, suggesting that I am being unreasonable and immature. It's not fine when I have to pay so much for a hostel room that looks like an emptied storage space so small that the beds are barely 2 feet apart from each other. It's not fine that not only is the hostel in the middle of a cleared-out patch of bush, I am put in a room all by myself with no friend to confide in, that I sleep restlessly ever single night with the lights on to ward off the solitude. It's not fine that with this course they gave me the best I can get out of it in the future is a job in a lab studying the structure of a grain of sand and the composition of ceramic and befriending heavy machinery. It's not fine when everyone else at campus are trying to fool us into being ignorant "yes"-kids assured that our futures are so bright they can make stars weep. It's not fine that those who are responsible for this big wretched blunder are not keen on admitting to their mistakes, let alone try to fix things. Part of this is my fault. If I had put just a little bit more effort and gotten better result I need not be here....but the rest of it is just injustice. It's not fine when the victims are trying to find ways among ways to undo the wreck, while the afore mentioned group of people leisurely without the simplest hint of mercy try to kill our efforts by mentally maiming us, again and again. So don't tell me I haven't tried. Don't tell me I'm being a child. Don't try to compare my story with yours of supposed similar hardship because no matter what they can never coincide.

I am still in the comfort of my home. And I have no intention on going back any time soon not because I am afraid. Because I simply will not give in to it. Fate has never been the decision of man no matter how big of a minister one is. Of course there have been a time or two where I have gave up on hope completely along with the harness of faith but I know Allah SWT has not forsaken me as of yet. And I am being kept reminded that the only one I should submit to is God and no one who try to bring me down or say I deserve less than I think I ought to. As far as I'm concerned my patience has a knack of recovering itself and I am not running out of that tendency just yet. And as far as my small will can take me I won't settle agreeing with anyone who try to convince me that everything is okay. Everything is not okay.

This plight is personal, but it may affect many around me. Above some others I dare not let that be a big risk. This story does not end here and in all fairness it should not end others' dreams, if it hadn't already spat out mine. Those of you whom have tried to help and languished, even though your powers preceeded the wrong. Those of you, whom I have told this tale to from the very beginning up until the moment we're moving alongside time, who have prayed and relentlessly offered your tears next to mine for my sake, thank you for still staying around. And an even bigger thank you for not judging me. You are truly great people.

Most of all, thanks Ayah.

You know for many reasons Asians are shockingly repulsive, and for most of these reasons we truly deserve to be part of the racial slur.

Some societies still engage in ridiculous ancient-old traditions like whipping themselves in public in a parade of bloodbath crying out like drugged lunatics (the Shi'ites) that has nothing to do with no Islamic ritual whatsoever. One country has the reputation of husbands punishing 'disobedient' wives by setting them on fire. Another country is so notrious at making pornographic ~*cartoons*~ they even have in the middle of a town square of one of its cities, a giant replica of the human weener.

History tells that Asia has marked itself the origin of a number of the world's deadliest epidemics. The bubonic plague or more famously known as The Black Plague that terrorised medieval Europe killing two thirds of its population was caused by the migration of diseased rats from Southern China. The Avian Flu has, in numerous occasions, been linked to the over-extravagant consumption of swine by some parts of this continent, particularly Indochina. Personally I am so glad that I am forbidden to even touch the animals. I remember last year we had a biology lecture and were shown slides of endoparasites and one of them was of a pig's intestine literally packed with the roundworms, Ascaris suum. Later on we had to do a sketch of those bitches by looking at a real, REAL specimen of one. Worms are my greatest human fear. Lol, if I were taking Vet, I'd have to study a special subject on its own called Diseases of Pigs during my final year, thus proving that it is definitely a big hoo-ha of a livestock crisis. And worms are the epicentre of pig ailments.

But that does not mean that I have anything against pigs as living creatures. They are God's creations afterall. And all God's creations should be given respect.

Unfortunately, well obviously some people and particularly Asians,... think otherwise.

Dogs

Sharks

Cats

Monkeys

Bears

You really think ivory can ward off evil spirits? You really think sharks fins can cure asthma? You really think bear bile can substitute Botox?...Cure cancer?...Stop aging? Stop death? BRING THE DEAD BACK TO LIFE???

Then I want to start eating iron nails. Maybe SOMEHOW they can give me buns of steel..... 

Ahh noes!! I can't stop thinking about this book it's sooooo good.

I bought it almost a year ago, but only got to finish it this afternoon. Yes I read annoyingly slow. Sometimes I have to re-read a page two or three times just to get back on track with the story. Although...usually it doesn't take a year to finish a book.

Anyway.

I feel like reading it again, but the end was so,... godawful sad I'm scared to read it again without wetting my shirt with the tears with the memory. It's so painful just the thought of how the characters toward the end of the book just diverted in all sorts of directions and each one had a tragic end to their lives. When I first started the book I never thought it had that much potential to be so powerful with its timed progression. And the most bizarre thing about it is that it needed not use any element of surprise to induce such an intense sadness. Art, history, survival, love, spirituality, wit, discovery, lost, everything just collided so perfectly in colourful motion I so want to just sit down and think about it and cry because it just seems like the fitting and most nostalgic thing to do to venerate this masterpiece. 

~ I have memorised Dante's geography of Hell well. The woods of the suicides is near to the burning ground of the Sodomites. Sometimes they rush in, beating down the flames that ignite constantly all over their scarred bodies and, as Dante would have it, on occasions there is time for them to stop and converse a little with other damned souls about art and literature and the sins for which we are all condemned. I would like that.

EVERYBODY GO GET A COPY NOOOOOOOOOOOW. 

And I thought I had already lost the touch in finding good books to read. I need more books. Harry Potter come to me, bb.

Ever since yesterday I've been feeling like I can barf out my womb because it hurts so bad, and somebody poisoned my cat Benji.

Yeap, life's been a beach.

So...how often is it that during the day you suddenly realise you want to 'disown' a friend? Never. Not ~almost~ never. Just never.

But you know, I'm kindaf sick of trying to reconsider the times we had each others' back the secrets we've been telling each other the stuff we shared in common bla bla bla it doesn't matter anymore people change and I really want to move on now. .

Okay, you've changed, I freaking get it, fine I'll leave you alone now. Just stop trying to pretend to be nice. We're not the ones with the problem here, you just get sick of admitting we're cool enough people to be hanging out with now compared to your new friends, whatever, I don't care. You can talk about the flavour of the lollipop your new bestfriend's sucking on for a whole ten minutes and can't even spend half of that time on the phone with me without sounding like you can die of boredom these days. I get so pissed most of the time you ever wondered why I just abruptly hang up 5 seconds into a phonecall? One minute you're all nice and the next it's like you're all "omg, omg, get off my back bitch pleeease." You always expect people to just accept the surly person that you are. Always. Dude, seriously, if you think your attitude is cool well it stinks actually.

There are a lot more I'd say but it can get ugly. And I'm kinda not that excited to talk about this in the first place.

I mean, what matters most now is that you're having the best life ever right. You make it a point to tell everyone. I'm not jealous, just in awe at how sometimes you can just use that against me. "Oh I dunno man, I've never had such a problem my family friends roomates teachers cats dogs LIFE are perfect perfect PERFECT so I can't really help you..."

We're not a loss to you I bet. You discluded yourself. That's your fault.

I'm not gonna tolerate anymore I guess. I'll just ignore you. Lalalalalalala can't hear nowt go away go away go awayyy bitch has had enough.

Ok, I'm done.

I might take back everything I said later...I dunno, we'll see.

Oh and I'm doing a research on the Kyoto Protocol and the G8 and the 34th World Summit 2008 and the Japanese as Asian moghuls and Al Gore and stuff for an essay. I am so uber relieved that the Japanese will be the ones hosting the 34th G8 World Summit next year and their main agenda will be on building a post-Kyoto Protocol framework for tackling global warming which is awesome because it really supports my cause. Yeah this is boring news but...anyway.

Benji's getting better. Thank God. He's so adorable. He tries to eat but just doesn't have enough appetite yet. SO thin. He gats balls to stay alive that baby...

Ahh I miss Naya. And Drill and Nadiah and Tasnim and Tika and Shahira Dee Zara Raja...

...and MAK...omaigad Mak and I were in UPM together and all but the place was soooo big and the hall was sooooo full of people we couldn't even bump into each other not ONCE. Oh one of the things I liked about UPM was the BATTLE OF THE CHEERS (!!!) between the residential colleges in the grand hall before each program started. Okay my college's sucked as. 10th college was the BEST because they were aaaaall boys and I think all were engineering people. Real hardcore stuff with the All Blacks victory dance and all.

UPM was...well over and done with I guess. The first couple of days I kept Fairuz on my hotline and mostly whenever I was scared and couldn't go to sleep at night. Nadiah...well we were kindaf in the same boat. Both finding it quite a task trying to make friends on the first go and when she called all the way from Sabah we ended up talking about how it was too easy back at PASUM when all of us didn't need to work hard to ~find~ each other we were just fated, haha. Then I'd call Hannah or Ika if I felt a bit lonely or it was just too quiet and I needed noise to help cheer myself up, heheh. But I think above all, well apart from Fairuz, Vernie knows most about my going-ons these days. =)

I miss NAT!~
She called the other day from Terengganu warning me to stay away from knives and scissors. Right. I haven't seen her in years. And her university's by the beach. Hooo life!

Ah but yea but no but yea but no slow news week I noes.....

How about that song  Nobody's Perfect by Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus. Pretty addictive, eh?...well I find it addictive. And kinda getting into the Mishalkas too. Corny stuff, but light with no heavy agendas.

I can't help at having nothing big and exciting happening around me lately, lol. Except this??...

=)

Ahhh for a whole twelve hours of sleep didn't know life could be so kind suddenly...

How about these rainy days, eh. I normally prefer the sun and lots of wind but the rain somehow makes it seem as if time's slowing down.

Oh yeah...

I have no idea how you *~tricked~* your way into my life but.....mmkayy bye now!!

I officially left yesterday. The university that pride to be the best in the country (sorry bb, UM is a century old but er,.. I liked her better). There's something about the whole UPM campus grounds that felt so disorganised and all over the place. You can get lost twenty times at the same place in a day...gets really annoying....

And even after the thousands of seniors flocking the place for the new semester the place still looked soooo barren and concrete. Oh but I very much liked the fact that some parts of it are very shady with lots of trees. One thing you can trust UPM for is being very environment friendly. So the thing about it being so barren is the mood. It's like its greenest is not being put to fine use. And I guess if I were to give my biggest respect to the university is it being a research university and Malaysia has got a lot to thank her for in that sense I suppose. The head of my Department of Physics was the inventor of this thingamajig to calculate the intensity of water in latex or something and the Malaysian Palm Oil Board gave him some lifetime achievement award. Um, you rock, old dude!

(Yesterday I overheard my dad on the phone with her friend and it sounded soething like...yeah she asked for vet but they gave her materials science. I think she'd be at least happier if it was 'materialistic' science or something, haha.......HAHA father, lawak syal. Lol) 

But yeah, I left anyhows because I see no future with my face in it there whatsoever....  

Srsly. Are you kidding me? Sup, Material girl...Too much...too much...

I was so anxious to leave that I cut in line. God I felt so horrible but those other people who had to wait an extra 40 minutes that I stole will have many prosperous year at the campus I pray. And hey It's not my fault the registry man spent 20 minutes swinging in his chair in front of me chatting to his friend on the mobile phone. I felt like yelling what the hell are you doing you're holding up a whole freight train behind us here!!

Okay so now I'm kindaf caught between Chemical Engineering or Architecture. I mean Chem-engine sounds so.......$$$ and , and this bigshot even said that if I do really well in it he'll give me my first job in his petrol-steel company. WTFAYFKM. But then again........it's hardcore physics. HARDCORE I TELL YOU. It would just be suicide....so I think I'm settling for architecture. Studios are fun. And a friend of the family is trying to get me into the best architecture school in the country...and guess who this friend of the family is...

My old best friend Azri's MUM. She rang me the other day and did a bit of a lobotomy on me and how much I want this. At the end of the conversation she was like...."You still tak kenal ke who I am? Dr. Ruziah.....auntie Rosie? My son is Azri..." and I was like OMG no fricking way. WHAT a coincidence. Apparently my dad teaches the kid............................*dies. And he never told me about it. Apparently he helped him get a place in uni. Apparently I never knew all this.

And this archi-school right....well KAER studies there. YOU KNOW KAER RIGHT?!?! Well some of you should. Some of you sould know I adore him so. Lol.

Anyway, now I'm intent on helping my brother with his studies. He isn't doing very well. He's smart. Only lazy as hell. And I'd feel guilty if I don't help him out with that.

And I'm embarassingly addicted to a Hilary Duff song. It's called 'Happy'. There's something very posh about it. It makes me think I want myself a pair of faux-leather mini gloves...the ones that flare at the wrists...and Tom Ford sunglasses please... 

OMAIGAA... I know this is a perfectly unnecessary reason to update but like anyone comes here anymore but but...

QUIETDRIVE ON MALAYSIAN RADIO??!!!? NO WAY!!!

Time After Time was sooooo 2006 when I first discovered Quietdrive, when they were still quite indie. I'm just excited with the whole I knew about this band that 99% of the country hadn't even heard of yet until a year and a half later when they went on national radio, lol. It's just like when Doyou was all BreakingBenjaminBreakingBenjamin months before Diary of Jane was aired and everyone would reportedly ignore the kid.

I bet now people are going to start making it into a statement. It's like how people were suddenly all oh wau, Augustana's Boston, so cun leh and started telling everyone that they're into indie and post-alternative/punk now just to sound cool. Like when Relient K and Alter Bridge and FOB and 30 Seconds to Mars had their Malaysian debut......yeah Quietdrive's gonna have the same effect on most people. For the record, I hope Silverstein or FFAF or Rise Against and all won't be aired any time soon. Those phenomena should be discovered by the people not be introduced to the people on such a large scale. I'm just saddened for Quietdrive that they're probably going to go full-on mainstream now....=(

Anyway, I think I'm the only loser who has not watched F4 Rise of the Silver Surfer, Transformers, and Harry Potter.....hm, not my fault everyone else are at college and the rest are busy with school and stuff...

my printer is out of ink. that means i won't get to print until tomorrow. which means i wont get to post my printed stuff till monday or smth. im pretty upset about it. bitch please.

im kindaf tired of thinking of things to say to people who are practically rubbing it in my face that they're having a blast. srsly. whatchu wan me to say, hun. bless you? and also to people who are constantly complaining about how things are never working out for them these days. oh no. what am i to do. i say it's ok things doesn't normally work out in the beginning anyway. you keep having things to prove me wrong stupid. all i know is that you are probably having a better life. im tired now.

and i have a migraine. stupid migraine bitch.

harry potter book tomorrow. nobody steals my copy ok.

sleep now.

im such a horrible person...i forget people's birthdays all the time. it's seriously not funny anymore. and people's names after a couple of months. especially when these people take the trouble to remember mine. im so sorry. from the bottom of my heart, really. oh what am i gunna do with myself.....

oh someone's out buying me ink for my printer now. thank god. X)

everyone should watch AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH. the film by al gore? it's such a necessary film. it makes you want to start recycling and buy a hybrid car right now so that nobody dies. do you know that scientists now are finding dead polar bears floating in the arctic ocean? yeap, they reportedly died of drowning due to the loss of icesheets for habitats. they'd swim and swim and swim to find land/ice but there are so little left that the distance from an iceberg to another is so big that they exhaust themselves from all the swimming and drown. i so cried.

but honestly, this film is really good. it helped me with my essay a lot.

i watched casanova again. the heath/sienna one. then i thought, i want a story like that. a real life story. but for now i want the version with DAVID TENNANT as giacomo casanova. giacomo casanova with a scottish accent?! mmm...i'd love me some of that! mmhmm.....=)

...plus, he makes one fine drag queen yes? but the alan carr-leks disturbed me...lol. oh come on at least somebody here must watch Doctor Who?? cahhmmonnn sci-fi freaks wherrre arrre yah.... ah i miss the friday night project. "Theres been a murrrrder!" (highlander accent). XD

i can feel the harry potter book now.....mmm... 

--------------------

big mothereffing edit:

WHAT?!

OH NO THEY DIDN'T!!!

you'd better be kidding me you HAVE to sell me my harry potter, dimwits...look-face-bovvered-face-harrypotter-carrefour-tesco-discount-boycott-popularmphborders-am i bovvered? I AIN'T  -BOVVERED! i just want my book, seriously now, come on.

------------------------------------------------------

good edit =):

21/7
so i went out to get my book earlier the next thing i realised i sent an uppercase-overload text to Sufey which read along the lines of OH FFS THEY WERE REALLY SERIOUS ABOUT NOT SELLING THE BOOK im going to walk round to tesco riiiight now.

so i did. under the sweltering midday sun. i got my book for RM69.90.

so, um, to the people who couldn't stop asking me why was i unsmart enough to not pre-order like everybody else did with the 'i told you so's last night........i win? =) please pick up after yourselves now no litterbugs, global warming. remember the dead polar bears? now now...

oh and slightly on the same topic, it's 'kahr-foohr'...not 'care-4'. fabrique en France, se rappeler?

I know this is old news, but as deluded and retarded as you are, you can't be serious.

You really think that this is going to improve the tourism industry? "Oh hay let's make an exact carbon copy of Hyde Park so that when the Londoners come they can feel right at home..."............WHAT'S THE POINT?"

London's Hyde Park is special because it's historic and it goes back all the way to the Old-English monarchy era and stuff. That's why it should be the one and only, stupid. God, sucks to be the losers who planned this because they are so generic and unoriginal and a laughing stock. Tell me WHY would foreigners fly all the way from wherever to witness something that is someone else's identity. It's a mass piracy. How much, how much I ask you are you willing to spend on this stupid idea that is bound to make the rest of the world (that still cares) use to take the piss out of us (still).

Speaking of history, I'm not sure if this is completely true but someone casually told me that Malacca's state government is planning to build a water park over Sungai Melaka? Correct me if I'm wrong, but considering what a destructing airhead Rustam (the Menteri Besar) is remembering a couple of his image-damaging projects, I'm inclined to believe it true. This is the minister who often describes his ideas as "hot". Who made you Paris Hilton all of the sudden. A water-park. Seriously? That's your idea of venerating the river that was ever the reason this country even have a history?

I don't understand...

----------

Oh I watched Harry Potter today....ehh, not that brilliant. But yeah, I guess it kindaf showed how hard they tried to make a good film since the plot was very long but, I found the book to be more diverting, definitely. I mean part of it was because OotP made me fall in love with Padfoot, but ever since Cuaron casted this old guy Gary Oldman as Sirius, looking nothing like how I imagined him, was mostly responsible for my being emotionless all throughout the movie. But I dunno...the music was good though, and Tonks is cute! Haha.

I mean...dead sad really. I imagined Sirius to look like Johnny Depp to be quite honest...and Lupin to be like Ralph Fiennes but I guess he makes a hot Voldermort. Still...Johnny Depp should have played Sirius...... 

Otherwise...it's been a gloomy day. A gloomy weekend on the whole actually. Feeling so self esteem-deprived...

One of the best things about this ~indefinite~ hiatus is waking up everday at 10-11 am looking like this

Actually...I look like that every other hour of the day. Sometimes far worst, yeap. 

Even though I wake up before dawn for prayers, after that I'd end up sneaking back to bed or just snuggle up on my prayer rug still in my telekung and play dead sleep in for the next four hours.

But I'm not jealous of myself yet, so nobody else should also. I feel quite wasted useless lately. It's getting rather dull now.

Half-an-hour ago Berlina called asking me to fill her in on what's been happening ever since the last time we met. Then I started to recollect...and thought, okay I've gone through this so many times right, I should have mastered summarising the whole immensely boring saga by now. From the beginning of the story I realised I was boring myself that I got stuck a hundred times trying to find the right word or the right figure of speech to explain a situation better. I ended up using a lot of "you know..." sort of hoping she'd get the point I was trying to make before I finish a long and winding part of the whole thing which, for obvious reason she wouldn't. Then I'd trip myself over the things that came out of my mouth, got tongue tied, forgot how to pronounce a couple of words that she had to finish them up for me, confused myself here and there and felt like heaving a big sigh and say "Can I take a breather, I think I've forgotten my English..."

It was a bit awkward and annoying. Then later on I thought, maybe it was because I've already gotten over the whole thing...I'd just almost completely lost all opinions on the matter and never actually wanted to talk about it anymore. I don't want to repeat the whole blasted thing to anyone because it's never going to change anything. In fact, I think I'm becoming phobic of speaking about it. I think I'm more concerned about what's going to happen now, although, even that's vague enough for me to explain anything about it!

*feels a tad bit relieved about the last few paragraphs.....thought she was really forgetting her English*

I wouldn't feel jealous of myself, because I'm running low on confidence these days. To be honest, going out has never felt so odd and misplacing before. I feel insecure in the public eye now that I think I am going to stay out of it for a while. I suppose the worst part of this is not being able to phone the people I usually do anymore, and those who do talk to me are telling me things that are making me patronise myself. It doesn't feel right anymore.

I'm having really horrible dreams about losing. Losing the people I love, losing the chances I worked for, losing myself on the whole. I remember Drill reminding me that whatever happens I have to keep my composure...but what about when no one's looking. That will be an inappropriate snippet.

Besides, I'm having a lot of second thoughts lately. Not quite convinced that I'm waiting for what I really want now. And the weight of the thought of the long-term, the consequences.....is quite tremendous. It's just still quite hard to save me some sobriety sometimes.

----------------

OMG my The Tudors is taking aaaaaaaaayyyjuhss to download. Jon Rhys Meyers is one fit King Henry. Gimmeh my Tudors now. And speaking of which, since I probably will be around still by fall ~autumn~, I get to catch Heroes Season 2    

So it's goodbye again, home. I'm leaving in a few days for Shah Alam.

I really don't know how to put this. The universiti insists that I do chemical engineering. It's so bloody complicated this whole shenanigan I don't even know how it worked out (or not) this way anymore. The Deputy Vice Chancellor himself 'insists' it. If I deny the offer, there might be some serious repurcussions. How do you get away from something like that...throw a tantrum?

Cos I'm kindaf not happy about this. Not happy at all...  

We had it all planned, my dad and I. Architecture leaves me unconvinced sometimes but for the rest of the time, it gets me quite excited.

I knew my dad would understand. He understands, but he also realises that I am practically left with absolutely no choice right now and that is immensely regrettable. For once we weren't asking anyone for help nor mercy, and thought we'd do this on our own again with a fresh start. I never knew someone's mercy at a time like this can be so destructive. I really wanted architecture. Now the chances of changing my major look quite doubtful.

So whilst my dad was trying to reason it out to me in the best, most sympathetic way possible that he'll try to help still but I have to just suck it in this time again and wait. I still couldn't get over how mortified I was when I found out that I barely listened and realised my glass missed my mouth and I was spilling water all over my shirt.

Somehow I began to believe that this can almost definitely render me delirious.

So I'll probably see the next 3 years of my life with physics, advanced physics, thermodynamics, physical chemistry, organic chemistry...I dunno,  petrochemistry, and a killer amount of maths. The idea of Chemical Engineering is even against my principles. In 50 years we will run out of petroleum and running low on a number of other minerals to the point that we don't know what to make our plastics out of anymore. In the here and now, chemical engineers are partly responsible for the encouragement of using up our minerals to the very last gravel. I should be charged for high treason. To earth.

Now I'm seeing moping, and skipping many meals. Well at least it's thinspiration, this is.

I don't know. It's funny how it never ends, isn't it? And to think I was complaining that I wasn't happy about the long holiday. Now I don't get to wait for my Heroes anymore.

Lets see now, who do might I know (put aside being close to or not) in UiTM Shah Alam...Muazzam, Dayah.......oh yeah, I almost forgot,

Mr. Fasciola.

Brilliant. *buries head in hands letting out a muffled wail*.

...that I wrote this song (I wished) because it's so relevant. What I wish even more is to have a voice like Hayley Williams.   =)

Please speak softly
For they will hear us
And they'll find out
Why we don't trust them

Speak up dear
Cause I cannot hear you
I need to know
Why we don’t trust them

Explain to me
This conspiracy against me
And tell me how
I’ve lost my power

Where can I turn
Cause I need something more
Surrounded by uncertainty
I'm so unsure

Tell me why
I feel so alone
Cause I need to know
To whom do I owe

I thought we would make it
Because you said
That we'd make it through
And when all security fails
Will you be there to help me through

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Anyway, I'll be leaving tomorrow before dawn. Please pray for me, if you think I deseve it, um.....I really need will power above everything right now. To be perfectly honest,... I'm terribly scared.....

I'm just really unhappy here. The fact that the atmosphere here is so stereo-typically Malay there's just no diversity. The fact that my Kelantanese roommate was being extremely rude to my dad over the phone. The fact that I'm obliged to act like a total prude with the friends I have here it get's really suffocating. And ultimately, the fact that my having to catch up with the three weeks worth of lessons that I've missed has proven to be...depressingly hard for me.

For the first time I don't give a shit about joining any co-curricular activities. I don't care about no annual dinner I just don't want to do anything. As far as I'm concerned my classmates are my friends, they're super nice and helpful, but they're not the type I'm willing to confide in. As far as I'm more concerned, my closest friends around here are the ones coming in a couple of days. Dee's gonna pick up Tika Zara Raja and Shira from UM, drive to UPM to pick up Mak, and then here to rescue me and we'll go spend some quality fun. Ihope Drill gets to join too. One thing I'm grateful for is that Tika said whenever I want them to come and save me I can just ask. Great. I'm so thankful for them. They never forget, and they're never seasonal. We keep each other updated always. Nadiah and I call each other across the China Sea often and I never have to feel estranged with them. And Hanna too...cos she got some great advice that girl.

I can't find anyone I can really connect with here yet. Not one person whom I can talk to about the things we might have in common. My fellow engineering students...well the girls at least, they make you feel like the devil's advocate. They are too well-mannered to the point of it getting really boring. Because you can rarely speak out of turn or be too opiniated. The boys are just SO LAME. I never knew stupid slapstick jokes still exist. Lame and nonsensical.

Well except for Haizum. Haizum was my ex-classmate at PASUM.  

My subjects are tough. And there's only so much that my friends can do to help me to cope. Engineering Drawing is......what the fuck seriously.

I am extremely stressed out and nobody here I can talk to about it.

And the father just called, said that the new application opened on Sunday. If I was allowed to wait just a few more days before I had to be pushed to register, it would have saved my life.....