Hurt and Restoration Posted at 11:08 AM
It is a gift, to be able to hold belief in so many known strangers. I doubt it is gullibility much...it's a gift. And it is sensible enough, that you do unto people, as how you would like them to do unto you. You want them to believe you too.
But consequences may work in the queerest of ways. Sometimes deeds are not rewarded in an instant, when you are in most need of a consolation. When you finally realise that you have been fighting your battles alone all along...and your rivals are your greatest temptations, and your most menacing weaknesses. Your motivation, are your worst fears. They keep you standing guard from every corner, serving and ducking and anticipating the worst case scenarios always. It's a dog-eat-dog world and only the fittest can survive.
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You know it took me a while to realise that I am learning so much more than just Biology Math Chemistry and Physics all this while. You know they say prioritise your responsibilities at a given moment, but then I have neglected the link between my need to make it big, and how my conscience sees everything fit.
You know how they say oil does not mix with water...but to make two things miscible is what makes a concoction ideal. I have always wanted an ideal plan of life. Where ends meet and beginnings happen with style. But then again how is life an adventure without the occasional leaps of faith and broken bridges...and shattered rainbows.
I have learned thus far, and am still learning, that survival is not a mere obligation, but a prize. We don't really live and let live it doesn't always work that way. We live if we make the circumstances around us work in favour of our survival. I have learned that while people can help to hoist you higher up to reach the top, up to a point they cannot join you.
And along the way, there will always be barricading obstacles of kindred conmen so hard to tackle you feel as if you're at war with yourself. How can those you hold so dear to your heart be the first ones to drive black arrows into it?.....because they are the closest and they know where your fears dwell, and where your security falters.
Like the back of their hands...
I have great friends, and I have also the greatest of acquaintances. Sometimes I mistrust my judgements to how and where a person I acknowlege should be classified. Sometimes I wish I can put everybody I know in a place. But sometimes unexpected events make me think twice and more. Sometimes I mistrust my rationale of giving trust like candied raisins to doubted strangers. To people I thought could be the latest addition to my growing list of friends for life...I guess half a year was too soon to tell...
...you can't help at pondering at the likeliness of something almost picture perfect to mess up. Thinking they must have had their reasons, you must have flaunted your flaws too much. This isn't intentional.
...you keep in mind the times they've helped you through the harshest times...and keep asking whether you're alright after that. You keep living off their concern in gratitude seeing nothing out of the ordinary coming.
...there was such mutual contentment, and so little worries should anything go wrong. We admit to making history in ways the others revere.
...and sharing the best of memories during this short...short interphase in life. Be it that we never speak again should fate disallow it in the times to come. I never saw, why fate should come now.
Restored...
...but there are always reasons to count my blessings. For all the screw-ups in the beginning, you come 'home' everyday from classes to the same faces. Same, same faces. And they grow on you. The late night talks of love in definition. Honest reminders, that I deserve my self-worth...and nothing, and no one should be allowed to take that away from me. One night Sufi said..."I hope you find contentment one day..."
...and whilst some of us are still catching breaths in between setting our differences, some of us have already done it much earlier. It was a turnover, to a bitter start. It took me a while to actually realise...that Naya has never underestimated me...
This little glitch might just be temporary...
But for what it's worth I'm acknowledging it. To best appreciate what I have when it gets better. I'll see to it that it does. It will.
They do. Grow on me. =)
