FINALLY THERE'S INTERNET.

BUT HERE'S THE THING. I HAVE TO FUCKING PAY FOR IT. Cos I'm at this lame-arse cyber room piece of shyte that's filled with tossing COUNTER-STRIKE MENTALS yelling every 3 seconds. Im sitting in between 2 of them but do you think I have the might to care less now?! I HAVE INTERNET. IT'S HARD TO GET PROPER COMMUNICATION IN THIS JUNGLE, that doesn't cost some form of sacrfice or another. NOW THESE GUYS ARE STARTING TO SCARE ME.

I've already spent 160 quid in the past 3 weeks calling up PROPER PEOPLE almost all over the country. From BEAUTIFUL Ipoh to KL to CHANGLUN KEDAH.

"I'm not here to make historical friends.......just history for MYSELF."

Therefore, when I want to talk to real friends, I hog the mobile for 20 minutes at the common least and rant and rant and rant JUST to make myself feel better.

Because guess what, I'M NOT HAPPY HERE.

The people are soooooo stereo-typed. I can't even eat a chocolate bar while walking without getting STARES. I haven't been swearing in ages. They're making me dress like a sack-whore. I DON'T LIKE THE PEOPLE HERE. Somebody save me, honestly.

I SERIOUSLY FEEL SO SESATED HERE. Cos everybody else got campuses near home. WHAT WENT WRONG WITH ME?! FUCK.

So today, my mentor-lecturer was kind enough to take me out to 'town' to get my razr seen. 1 little phone shop, 2 little phone shops, 3 little phone shops, Aimi's baby still couldn't be fixed. Sort of...more like I couldn't trust them enough to do much with my baby...the last shop wanted to keep it overnight to dismantle it and stuff but I don't want to be stealing people's time asking them to drive me out every so often. On weekdays. Screw my manners.

Earlier today heaven shone a little speck of light over this dark little raincloud of the campus that is I, when my baby's screen shot back to life for a mere 3 seconds or so. It hummed its beautiful serenade, and shone its reverial luminiscence like its yesterdays......but only for 3 WANKING seconds.

2 days ago, my iTunes was still working, now even the keypad's not beeping anymore. JUST my BLOODY luck. Honestly. I have been experiencing jinx-worthy.....experiences one after another. Bet you so wanna know...

- being sent HERE, this....DETENTION CENTRE. 4 hours away from home by car, in the middle of the jungle. See, Kuala Pilah is a reeeeally small town. My college........IS IN THE SUBURBS OF THAT BLESSED PUNY TOWN. My room is right next to a gorge, overlooking a big ass dirty drain, beyond which is the darkest of forests yet. No fences.

- having to fraternise with people; the likes of those who literally ask questions like,  "Is size-m bigger or size-L?..."

- the common toilet flooded the other day. Revealing its richness of liquid human waste out of the drainage and stuff. I had to bear that for a whole fricking week, using the upstairs toilet everyday instead.

- I have a cavity in one of my molars.

- having to wear baju kurung every goddamned day, gets reeeeally old after 2 weeks. It restricts me from being natural after a while. I am barely prudent nor am I uptight, but the dresscode, the rules, the PEOPLE are forcing me to be as demure as ever. WHAT THE HELL is wrong with wearing Nikes into lectures?

- there are stray kittens outside in the hallway of my dorm. EVERY single time I put out rags for them to sleep in, cups of water for them to drink from, cartons of milk for them to indulge.......FUCKING CLEANER LADIES ALWAYS THROW THEM OUT. And whorific-prisses of some of the girls on my floor LOVE screaming and tormenting those babies. I want to make them cry like the softies that they are.

- I CAN'T WATCH THE WORLDCUP. BECAUSE LIGHTS-OUT AT 12-FRICKIN'-MIDNIGHT. ASTRO DISH ONLY AT THE STUPID CAFETERIA. FIFTY THOUSAND MILES AWAY. -INSERT CHOICE OF RUDE WORD HERE-.

- ultimately, my phone died on me. It fell into a mug of water. For 2 seconds before I fished it out again. But as soon as I fished it out, just as soon the lcd screen went blank. And so I can only receive messages but not see them...receive calls but not see the caller names...will pass it to mum this weekend to get it fixed and borrow hers in the meantime. Pray it'll live again.......please.

See the worse thing is so far, (minus my dying phone that is...) is that I can't find myself trusting anyone here with my actual, most honest of thoughts. Nobody here noteven my roomates know how unhappy I am. I feel like a hypocrite. And a bloody wicked one at it too.  

My favourite subject is English. Despite it not being included in my PNGK at the end of the program. It's the only time other kids know how to judge people properly. I say, "What's the point of pouring over ten thousand books on microbiology and collecting 101 different notes from different lecturers.....when you're being so bloody ignorant towards the fact, that you're English is bad..."

Typical Malay. They disgust me.

There's a difference between principly religious...and mightily orthodox, that you're even scared to walk down the staircase when a group of members of the opposite sex are using it too. It's just embarassingly moronic.

My English teacher signed me up for inter-college public speaking auditions. I don't really like public speaking compared to beautiful debate, but it's something at least. I was thinking of volunteering myself for student council but I was pondering on this thought...I'm better at speaking publicly in English. Most of the kids'll probably take me as a show-off little bitch anyway......whatever. Do your little stereo-typical protocol-driven, schematic shit of a student council and stay in the DARK for as long as you like. I'd be better off staying the rebel wearing trainers underneath my baju kurung like I am now.

I use the mechanical pencil Vern gave me everyday. Everyday. I almost lost it once. And I got super-worried. So ever since, I never leave it wehn going for classes. Yesterday, my Chem-lecturer was instructing uson our practical. I excused myself deliberately to go to my bag outside....because I left my pencil inside and was worried it my go missing again. I kept it in my lab coat all the time ever since. Its engraving, "Aimi-Vern ~Best Frenz~" reminds me of so much everday its almost like a consolation. Whenever I feel like things could only get so much worse...

And Ber's phonecalls almost daily. Bet she doesn't know yet how much they mean to my days. Really...

Siti's consolences....Nana's worries 'till she's asking her friends here to watch over me at times...Fairuz's rants that tell me that I'm not alone...just not given the chance to be dependant. Everyone really.......everyone's who's been reaching out across states telling me....."Trust us, things will get better..."

I'll try trusting you.

Won't be back for another 3 weeks or so. Stupid campus won't let. I hope someone burns this place down one day.

Anywho, will update more later.

~

Back in Sheffield, I used to love the sweets bar at the shops. There were too many to choose from....liquorice allsorts...blackjacks...jelly babies...but I never pick one without scanning the ingredients at the back of the packets first.

So you can imagine my childhood being less than sweet enough like my other friends'. That I couldn't eat the gummy bears, marshmallows, cola bottles and all of the gorgeous sort. When friends offer me jelly I pretend to put them in my mouth but chuck them away when no one was looking...

But that was okay...I was in a stranger's country.

How should it feel like, that you're in a place you could call your own, but still can not eat everything that's in it.

These days I don't eat Twisties, Pringles, Gardinea products, gel-capsuled supplements...and don't even mention Yupi.

Yet the government's playing ignorant liars stamping halal labels on everything. God bless them...

I stand by to my principle, that whatever I take in will in one way or another effect me, as stupid as some might think. That's what's beautiful about my religion. It has a reason for everything. I'm being given the reasons to love it, love the Lord.

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Anyway, I love my Daddy. I've said it a lot but never enough. I've never said it straight to him either.

But I love my daddy.

I remember when I was about 10, I had my little Fisher Price radio to serenade me to sleep every night. One very cold and wintry night however, the battery died...

I told my daddy that I needed new ones. He looked around but couldn't find any, so he put on his leather jacket, and said, "Ayah pegi singgah newsagent sekejap beli battery."

It was already close to half past ten.

The snowy drizzle turned to a nasty blizzard, and I stayed awake looking out of the window, down to the pedestrian waiting for daddy to come back. But it had been two hours more or less and the newsagent was not supposed to be further than a three blocks down the road. So I stayed awake by the window sill some more.

But I fell asleep.

The next morning, I woke up tucked under the duvet. On my bedside table was my Fisher Price radio, it was alive, and next to it were the two old batteries that had been replaced. While I was already asleep.

---

See the little wonders amaze me the most. They maybe tempremental but they're reverial to me.

My daddy's my greatest inspiration next to mum. He taught me that it's okay, to dare to be different. It's okay to think big, when the others around me are just stereo types. That standing up for what I think is right may get me enemies, but it'll mark history.

My daddy taught me to never succumb to ancient thoughts. Never to be too culturised just because my skin and mother-tongue says I should. He taught me to break free of living the mainstream and be proud of it.

When I said I'm the unhappiest child yet, here. Appeal me elsewhere, please, he said..."Don't worry, I'll do everything for you."

Happy Fathers Day, Ayah.

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On school...

Last week each dormitory block had to design a motivational banner each. Aisha from the room opposite ours asked me to help design some motives and stuff after seeing my sketchbook the other day. So I drafted yeah...

Then went upstairs, checked the banner size, and along came other helpers, all Physical Science students (I and only a couple of others there were the only Life Science kids). Point one- PHYSICAL STUDENTS KNOW SHIT ABOUT ART, OKAY?!

Sorry I'm being a bigot but there you go.

One biotch, took seeing my sketches and went.....here's the thing though guys, MY idea of a banner is simple and concise. Simple plain letters, 2 colours, end of story, because that's how a banner's supposed to be. This here what she drew is poster-worthy. So here's what I suggest...

....and she started drawing block letters in fugly rounded motives. GO DIE LA, wtf do you know, not to brag or anything, BUT, LIFE SCIENCE KIDS AT LEAST.....learn how to draw cells and frogs and shit WHAT DO YOU DRAW............ELECTROMAGNETIC WAVES?!?!?!?

Stupid snob.

I so hope they're banner loses now.

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On a happier not. I've been invited to this leadership-gathering cum dinner party tonight. =D

3 representatives from each practicum and obviously my monitor likes me therefore he made a valiant choice.

So I'ma go back to my room now and start ironing....ahaha.

~

I hereby pronounce myself as a true new student at heart...

God is Great.

He truly answered my prayers.

My daddy's efforts paid off. And now I'm following just his footsteps...

My patience, paid off.

It's true what they say, that God will never test you on something He knows you can never handle...

I complained, but I never killed myself over anything.

Thank Heavens.

Will be leaving this asylum wednesday afternoon.

How am I supposed to tell the others that mean something to me at least while I was here...

They'd be shattered.

But I'll be in KL.

And that's all that matters now...

LIFE SCIENCE UNIVERSITI MALAYA HERE I BLOODY COME.......I'M GONNA BE LIVING IN KL PROPERLY NOW FINALLY, BABY!!!!!!!!!!

So since I'm WAGGING-OFF CLASSES TODAY......=D. I'll stay here (at the cyber cafe) aaaallll by myself taking things for granted like I'm entitled to...

Yeap I'm still super overwhelmed with yesterday's news. Mum called me 4 times during my Dinner-Night Committee meeting so I ignored them not knowing what she had to tell me. We were sorting out the posts and committee leaders and I'd just got elected as Stage Preparations' Director, and was all excited already knowing that I get to not only VETO-RISE the backdrop design but also wear them cool headphones backstage, with a clipboard, incharge of the the stage performances and PA system, and everything artsy that was supposed to be handled, then Mum messaged me and told me to start packing, so no cool miss stage director no more, lol.

Then I started calling and texting everyone who mattered and ended up finishing rm50 of credit yesterday alone. I'm mega-thrilled that Nana's BEYOND happy just as I am because it means we'll be in the same city possibly sharing the SAME POSTCODE since she'll be in UIA xD!!! This also means I can go home on weekends more often than not. One way trip to Ipoh instead of the usual four from shitty Kolej Matrikulasi Negeri Sembilan.

My parents are almost here.

At the same time Fairuz's having the time of her life up north, finally. That's good, cos I'd feel guilty leaving if she's still miserable.

My classmates love me, I know it. xD. Huggeriffic. My DORKY Chemistry tutor is sooooo gonna miss me because my table will lose one of the most loyal GIGGLER at his DORKY jokes....=D. HASTA NUNCA STUPID PUBLIC SPEAKING!!! xD, I so hope UM has debate.

Anywho, hopefully more updates later. Traa...

...is already breaking rules. ONE BIG-ASS ONE to be exact. And it's only her 2nd proper day....

Lol.

I snuck out to meet Faeza for frap and the pictures at KLCC, came home late, and snuck her in to stay over for the night since my room's not full yet. The sneaking out was okay, but the sneaking in....well I missed the part in the rule book where it said...something like, "Membawa penghuni haram (squatting) adalah kesalahan berat; penghuni haram bersama penghuni yang membenarkan akan disabit di bawah Akta Kolej Kediaman 1971..."

It's not like the kids here have proper commitments yet classes haven't even started. No one has anything lawful to do. And I like taking some things for granted. And I haven't met her in a month. And bending rules helps with my confidence. =)

UM is massive. It's like a complex. A classy little town with new tarmac and all. The distance from my hostel to the matriculation site is almost a ten minute walk. I GET TO WEAR TRAINERS TO CLASSES THIS TIME.

In truth though I feel mightily inferior to the other kids here. It's like a congregation of fermented Einstein brains. The way they strut, talk, give looks...so upscale and intimidating. It's not that it's bad actually but I feel like in the meantime I'm nothing compared to them.

I'm skipping this stupid lecture tomorrow on HOW TO USE THE OXFORD ADVANCE LEARNERS' DICTIONARY.....attendance compulsory but seriously...how to use a dictionary?

I need to make lots of friends later.

My room is strategic. The study table I chose is strategic. If I open the window beyond it it's overlooking the basketball court. Very scenic, ahaha. No really...

PLEASE UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I DESPISE PHYSICS.

Yet I have to take it for this program. I figured it out though, since my PNGK is only gonna include my top 3 subjects, I'm gonna hopefully, godwillingly ace biology, chemistry, and math......and only PASS my stupid physics. Physics paralyse me beyond sanity...

My dad wants me to not come home so often. Says I ought to be studying on weekends. BS. He has a point but I have points one two three four five- kazillion each time to go back. I shall win most times.

THE OMEN 666 IS UNBELIVABLY INSANE. I FELT LIKE SOBBING WHILE WATCHING IT. IT SCARED ME TO DEATH. EVEN THE EXORCIST DIDN'T DO MUCH TO ME. I SHALL NEVER WATCH HORROR MOVIES EVER AGAIN PERIOD.

~toodleloooo.....

The other day I accidentally scraped my hands over this guy's crotch. No pun anywhere, seriously. We were playing WARGAME in the field for orientation where everyone got down and dirty and everyone was running around, gunning people down with paint balloons and stealing flags. Since I WAS THE ONLY PRODUCTIVE GIRL in my team I was walking around playing the hardass fugitive that I always am (lol), trying to sneak into other team's territories. So I managed to tip-toe into being amongst the girls in this one team, their team leader was behind holding their flag tight over his trousers so I reached and snatched but I suppose I reached to far and as I ran he gave me this 'WTF-ING HELL' look but I ten thousand people were already running after me I didn't have time to feel 'responsible'. Lol. Orientation was fun.

I have pretty okay new roomates I suppose. 2 from KMNS. Today we ditched the stupid 2-hour motivational talk-lecture-sleepathon, took the cab to Midvalley, watched Cars, and went light-shopping. Light-shopping for real, I'm on a tight budget, still need to learn to estimate spending here.

Daddy recommends I go jogging around Varsity Green tomorrow afternoon.

I'm not gonna be skipping classes as per usual, no fret. This week no proper timetable just yet. New kids are still coming in.

There's this tall and adorable futsal guy called Mr. Fasciola who's a Physical Science student whom I think does and says the cutest most charming (not) kindaf things so in the meantime what I do is if ever I see him walking pass or something I'd stare and stare and stare until he catches me and I'd stare a little bit more before looking away smirking. LOL, for the sheer fun of it, seriously. Just now at dinner time I did it again and almost laughed to myself after he glanced back. I'm so not serious about anything around yet, ahaha.

Oh yesterday my roomies and I went for this iinternational food fair at the PerdanaSiswa and spent sooo much on food it almost felt too good. Lol. Had Indonesian, Javanese, Maldivian food and some other I can't remember.

Varsity life is so fetch. I hope I don't start sounding bloody American with the loose vowels and shit after this. Honestly.

---------------------------------

So it turns out I'm not that good at hiding feelings as much as I brag I'm supergood at pretending. Just a couple of weeks ago back at Matriks a friend sortav went "You don't look happy...again. Your eyes and forehead say it."

Let me fore-warn you, my eyes falter when I feel suddenly extra-cautious and insecure about a certain situation. I'd have lousy eye-contact. Real lousy, especially in a surrounding where everything moves so fast I'm not given the time to rethink the things I say and do.

Dang it.

Loves.

I saw more familiar faces at campus.

=D

Like a friend who was in my practicum back at KMNS. I like seeing familiar faces. They give me a reason to be nicer to people, lol.

The other day during the final night of orientation, (after my group lost the Sandal-Fight game thingy...can't remember what it was called in Malay...because the girls in my team couldn't be arsed to play an enough deal of teamwork...) I was sitting on my own by the doorway of the hall tending to a bucketload of sms-es, tending to my mixed feelings. Then this girl came up to me and so it went something like this;

Girl: ...Aimi ke?
Me: Er, yea...macam mane ta-...
Girl: Debater kan?...er...ACS Kampar ke...eh jap..
Me: Tak lah, MGS...u dari Ipoh gak ke?
Girl: O tak, Batu Gajah...St. Bernadette's Convent, hehe.Yea betul lar, MGS! Silap.
Me: Ooo ha'ah, I went against your school 2...004 kan..haha, u speaking ke mase tu?
Girl: Tak, my sister, I reserve je mase tu......Tu haritu I perasan u and then nampak macam familiar sangat, heh.

Only then I remember her sister back then, third speaker, was the OHMIGOD-i-so-don't-like-her person. Lol. Prissy and whiny and stuff. She didn't even look up when I shook her hand in MY VICTORY. *eyes rolling*. Haha, BUT I DO love being recognised...and to think she remembers me AND my name in another place after 2 years it's overwhelming.

I'm back for the weekend and you have absolutely no idea how much I miss my cats. Basil's sleeping with me everynight. I wish I can take her back with me...

Today's time with friends felt somewhat peculiar. From the very beginning. There wasn't that typical ecstatic jolt to it, that just before the end of it I actually got sleepy...so Nana and I sat down talking about the randomest of things that we could think of.And that was probably the best part of today.

But then I started to think about having to go back to uni the next day today...

I have 10 months worth of  endurance to go through. Ultimate endurance. 8am-5pm classes without fail daily, night classes soon to start, extra-high expectations following ultra-high competition, and the classes are not easy...

I still despise physics.

This semester's physics is only about kinematics and centriputals and junk and I'm already saturated. Wait till I get my arse into next semester's semiconductor and co.'s shit. AGAIN.

Biology's hard too but at least it's interesting. Chemistry is...yet to be described. Math is just a handful...darn it.

STPM syllabus in 10frikkinMONTHS, gile ke...

I just can't wait to be done with it and get to do my degree one year earlier than most other people doing A-Levels and stuff......=).

So no proper social life for me this year =(.

Since my room's on the ground floor, we're quite envied, lol. BUt nothing serious yeah...

WE can make the most noise without disturbing people, there's a drinking tap outside the room, the ice machine a couple of steps away, the courtyard to hang our clothes withut the fear of them falling down onto the floor below, having to prepare ourselves to classes a little over everybody else....

Eight to five compulsory for the love of God...

It's distressing me actually, I wished I was exaggerating. God speed these 10 months....noooooww.....

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"So let this part of me literally wilt slowly like a dying wicker, until God believes I am ready for a newborn one. The familiar face in a stranger's cradle should mean no more."
~aimisyaz