Rapture Posted at 12:27 PM
It's raining. Funny how even some of my peers have expressed how much the weather can sometimes be related to my current emotional condition. When I feel sombre, morose, grounded by solemnity; ironic that the sky would seem as if it is bewildered as to my sentiments. As if it is confused whether to shine alight or weep. So, in the end I'll witness a dusky stratus effect while reluctant rays peer in between the cracks of the clouds. It's beautiful. Sometimes I'd be tempted enough to stare into the horizon outside our classroom (the benefits of 4Sc1 being all the way up there with the highest balcony in school). Lush. I would be in a state of reminiscent, feeling nostalgic. In fact, this just happened about three days ago, school, first period, we requested to not have Maths, I stayed outside class for a while feeling the constant peaceful breeze, the drizzle was going away. I remembered I was feeling blue. So so blue. For no apparent reason. I was just appreciating the beauty of sadness then. The beauty was enervating; enough to make my eyes well up and smile at the same time. My friends would definitely notice if I'm feeling rather quiet or strangely ecstatic during days. But recently I felt the need of staying silent.
Some people choose to moan about the mishaps of life. Whine about luck and hope betraying them. Make believe of the impossibles and still complain about the uselessness. We dream and strive to make our way through the torrent that's taking us down. On the way, we kneel down and pray for strength and spirit to keep us going. When in the end we find nothingness, we tend to blame all that made us come this far. Our useless efforts, our petty beliefs in hope, our mission in the first place. But once we reached the final destination to find an empty altar, an empty chest that should be filled with what we ran for in the beginning, dumbness would override and we find ourselves asking, "What was I thinking?"...was it worthwhile? Again and again we search the skies for answers even scholars can't provide. Answers beyond imaginable reach. One simple question we ask in fact, that we're sure of, will make a visible impact to our mundane lives. We dread and sulk at living in abstraction. Lives of which so many mysteries still linger unsolved. So many complications we do not want to just flick away, but feel the need of solving them, uncovering them so that we won't take the same path to meet them..again. Is it that hard?
I don't look down on life. I don't turn my back against complications and worries. I don't pretend as if they're never there. Instead I choose to face them. I choose to stare at them in their eyes, if they do have them, and try to push them back to where they came from. Well now I know that never works. Ignorance just makes them come back for more tormenting. They say it's rude to stare. I care not. I stare long and hard at the problems and pain that come my way until I deliberately make myself weep in anger. In reality I would find myself locked up inside my room, curtains half-drawn, maybe sitting alone and low on the carpet staring into my hands or with my eyes firmly locked and shut the rest of the world, all my thoughts only for me. I wouldn't cry because of surrender, not as a sign of giving in, not to only let my troubles flow out of my being and released without answering to me. I would cry to contain the invulnerable fury thus choking me, of anger and vengeance that I'm yet to induce. Silently though, no one would know neither care. I would express in hiding, all alone, just me and myself. Happiness we are to share with others, our loved ones and those who deserve it. Sadness and mourning should only be kept to oneself. Be relished alone for one to explore the bliss it keeps behind the torture. I truly accept depression as an abstract art. Something of which you can't visibly see and get revenge over, but to appreciate and mould into a beautiful sculpture for one to look at and smile at; because when one negativity is turned into art, it's beauty. True, I break down, I mourn, I touch and feel depression, but I try to never let them mock me. And I shan't ever do the same, but I will appreciate their presence, make them my echoing memory.
We can't get and we won't get everything we want. That has always been comprehendable, but sometimes we forget that even if we slave over something that we could die for, we tend to walk away from it. Turn around, take another glance, we'll se beyond that that we didn't get, we might have just gotten something else. Maybe not as good, or possibly even better. One of the flaws of the human species is that when we want something, we work only for that. Down the yellow brick road we travel to reach our one destination but never give a thought to stop by the junctions on the sides of the road to find scarecrows or tinmans to join in our journey. We only look forward, not to take a few glances left and right for extra plus points but yet get intimidated by disturbances we shouldn't even take a single look at. We're wasting advantages. Goals of life may come as a one or in bulk. There are always different lanes to take and try. If at the end there's a dead end, turn around and recover the main road, refresh, walk. Dorothy didn't reach her destination flawlessly, no one can. I've learned, once again, depression and angst are not to be shunned. If they are made to destroy, I'm made to paint them the colours of nature. I'll break down, but I'll thank them for paying me a visit. More precise, I'll thank God Almighty for giving me chances to meet them, for they will always give me a sense of realization. They come to scar me a searing pain of scarlet wound from the inside, make my life a living inferno, suck the vividness from my face for all that mattered; still I'd appreciate them.
We kill our insides to find answers, some of which only lies beyond the gates of Eden. If we look at ourselves as deep-thinkers, sometimes we try to surpass the nature of the human psychology; thinking that if we delve in a little deeper, we’ll uncover truths long awaited, be able to squeeze our brains beyond where God wanted us to stay at. Some questions are meant to remain unanswered. Simply to widen the creativity and the rationale of us earthly beings. Perspectives differ from one individual to another. But even our own perspectives can lie to us. And when it does, we break down, because when our views drive us away from reaching the answers we want, emptiness invades. Truth be told, man are made to only know and find out to a certain extent. Why we are kept to this point, God knows. Let it stay that way.
Thank You God for giving me the opportunity to start a journey of self-discovery. I'm not there yet. Someday I will be. I am but a complete servant of Yours, but I pray You will always guide me by your divinity. For I know, You will never forget those mostly in need of your guiding light. I shall never get to find myself if You had never fated me with painful hardships. Vulnerability bleeds me again and again. And here's to more to come. My hands are open.
Dishwalla - Angels and Devils
