i come here every bloody day with ten thousand things to write about but nothing i can truly talk passionately about. this reeks. i used to talk about even a dying plant passionately.

but do you know what i am passionate about right at this moment though? Classical Music.

in fact, i am listening to Sir Edward Elgar's string pieces these days for that tiny morsel of inspiration i've been scavenging for since i started this semester. but lets leave the pissing and moaning for later, now i want to tell you about Elgar.

i stumbled upon Mr. Elgar by chance. i was watching this film i've had since forever that i've been meaning to watch but never got around to, August Rush starring, hello, Jonathan Rhys Meyers duh. =) So there was this part where the dramatic beginning of Elgar's Cello Concerto in E Minor played and conveniently blends into the beginning of this song, Something Inside sung by Jonny himself in the film. Oh he plays a forsaken rockstar in there go figure. X)

little did anyone know, i was a classical music enthusiast when i was little. one of the many things i gave up when unforseen circumstances took over. i loved music classes in junior school when Mrs. Ailing would make us listen to Bach and paint our emotions with wild colours while Johann Strauss was blaring in the background. she inspired me to improvise this simple impromtu Elizabethan lullaby on the glockenspiel for Tudor Week for everyone to listen to. she taught me how to play King Henry VIII's Green Sleeves on the harpsichord. but none of that matters now..

Cello Concert in E Op. 85: Adagio - Moderato - Pieter Wispelwey

so i took the time to listen to the whole of actual concerto, and it sounded anything BUT inspirational.. it's melancholic and livid. i am imagining the intro, back alley of a building, there lies a dying man drowning in his own pool of blood, determined to fight death as he struggles to rise to his feet again like a fish flapping around in a puddle. the violas come in and the last few hours of his life swims through his mind as he just lies there recollecting life. for what it is worth, this was forseen. his life as he knew it, was uncanny and doomed to a tragic ending sooner rather than later. those around here who live to see wrinkles on their skin were the few fortunate ones. the cello reiterates again bringing him back to where he is now and all that is left to understand. the piece then dives into the more lyrical middle theme of violins and woodwinds and light brass and kettle drums where we leave this man, run away from the alley out into the open and see the bigger picture. where the ground is tarnished with drying blood of perished thousands, young and old. night wash over and the moonlight spills over the scattering bodies curled in submission and the final hopes of mercy and defence.

and then the softer more nostalgic tunes eases in on the scene's most heart wrenching part of all, when children die in the embrace of their mothers who die along with them in vain. In vain.

the genocide goes on but what are we to ever do about all of this. we sulk and moan about failing in our studies and waking up every morning, hair looking like a clump of hay. these people wake up every morning with the sole thankfulness that they are not dead..yet. we come home from class in the evening thinking of what to eat for tea. these people run home from the sundry dodging bullets, and upon arrival see their houses reduced to ash and debris and the first thing they do is scream for their mothers and sisters in dying hope that they are alright..

it breaks my heart to see my muslim brothers and sisters tortured and killed and there's nothing i can do about it. it makes me angry that i can never be grateful enough about my life when these people are being robbed of the rights to keep theirs. these people pray for the love of God to let them die first before getting to watch their children murdered right in front of their eyes, and we forsake our own daily prayers for ourselves and for them just because going out dressing like a stripper and getting drunk all night passing out in someone else's room is more fun and the epitome of appreciating life..

it makes me feel guilty for ever having fun and enjoying life anymore. what is life worth when we're not willing to give it up and die for others..

what do we do now?..

suddenly i miss how cute and innocent my brother and sister were..

=)

1. every morning i wake up and i thank God for giving me a chance to live through another day.
2. every morning i wake up realising my life isn't that awful afterall. i don't do drugs, i don't do alcohol, i don't go partying every other night passing out and waking up in some stranger's room.
3. i never go a day without having proper food to eat.
4. i've had a wonderful childhood that has made me who i am today.
5. i am never in a life-threatening position, that my house might be bombed by terrorists neither am i suffering from a fatal illness.
6. i still have vivid opinions on a lot of things in everyday life, so i'm not all that ignorant.
7. i was never raised filthy rich, and i don't always get what i want, but it has taught me to never take money for granted.
8. i was raised to love animals and life on a whole and it has taught me how to love fellow human beings more than i could ever imagine.
9. i am intellectual in my very own way.
10. i consider myself to be quite a fast learner.
11. i may not have everything i want, but i'd rather have some than not have at all.
12. i still have the capacity to be witty and charming somehow..
13. i have a beautiful family who loves me very much and have taught me how to age gracefully.
14. i have friends whom i adore and would risk a lot of things for.
15. i have an amazing boyfriend, who is the love of my life, who tolerates with me so much that sometimes i take him for granted.. nevertheless i love him so much and i won't trade him for anything in the world. now i should try to not be angry with him all the time over tacky tacky things and sometimes for no apparent reason. i'm sorry babe..please don't be sick of me.. =(

these are only some of the things in life, that i am immensely gratefuk for..

Civil rights are the protections and privileges
of personal liberty,
guaranteed to all citizens by law.
But it doesn't take a bachelor's degree to know
some laws are flawed,
some deals are raw,
and who is it that draws the short straw?

Dykes on bikes; chicks with dicks; flaming queens with pink lipstick;
teachers; tailors; tax assessors;
my mother; your father; law school professors;
mullet mamas; baby butches; leather daddies; auntie ems;
sisters; daughters; brothers; sons;
coworkers; roommates; college friends.

Michael Carneal opened fire in paducah because his classmates called him a fag,
a fag named Matthew Shephard died lashed to a fence because he wanted to kiss a man,
a man's name was reason enough for Brandon Teena to be raped and wind up dead,
and the dead will continue to pile up until we take a stand.

Some may wait for science to say that we are born to be gay,
but I don't need scientific studies to tell me it's no choice
because I'm a lesbian and I never chose to be this way.
I played the game of orientation
that's expected in this great nation;
married a man and had some kids,
but it never changed the truth.
And while some might think I'm uncouth
my love isn't theirs to forbid.

The USA is supposed to be the land of the free
but that's not what I see.
How can I bee free when I can't even marry?
The neocons beat the traditional family drum
claiming that Adam and Steve threaten the sanctity of Adam and Eve.
But it's only because they want you to believe
they aren't to blame for what marriage has become.
I say it's our turn to have an opportunity;
maybe we can teach them the sanctity of wedded matrimony.

Congress could unstack the deck
and void the blank check
that's used to keep us concealed.
It's time for them to use their constitutional authority
to protect us all from the tyrrany of the majority.

Let the homophobes howl!
Let the christians call foul!
They're still free to teach their kids that it's all wrong.
But it won't matter
because the gay community is proud and strong!
We're here to say we belong!
Just like you,
we're citizens, too,
and that can't be denied even by those
who disapprove of who we like to screw!

© Mary Mudd

~

it has been six days since the Bukit Antarabangsa landslide, it has been six days straight that the government and media have been blaming and scorning THE RAIN for the catastrophe now i say, let's grow up and talk like mature adults now, it's almost been a week..

as far as i can see, albeit not being a very big fan of rain, rain is however a blessing from God.
the thing that caused the landslide if you senile old farts in the parliament and the not so very intelligent media refuse to address much up until now is that many mega infrastructural projects, not only that of Bukit Antarabangsa, in this country have been garnished with lies and corruption.

lagi satu..SALAHKAN BUKIT?? what next, TREES? THE WEATHER BEING TOO HOT? O' SWEET LORD I BESEECH HELP, THE GROUND IS ACTUALLY MADE OF SOIL??!

for fuck's sake seriously i don't believe i'm hearing any of this.. and to think the brilliant prime minister of us is, as he wishes to be seen by God's will, wise and intelligent enough to order that all projects on hills and cliffs to be stopped immediately.  THE LOST CITY OF THE INCAS..AZTECS..WHATEVER.. WAS BUILT IN THE ANDES MOUNTAIN THE RAIN NEVER DESTROYED THOSE and it's been thousands of years since it was first built. the original path up to Cameron Highlands built by the English back then is still looking what do we have here..strong and sturdy. so is it still hills and the soil and the rain, inevitably existing as they are, your ultimate excuse?

we all know that Malaysia breathes corruption. without corruption, Malaysia will sink and perish forever. like Atlantis. or don't we know it already? okay well here i'm reminding you. this is a country where datos can get away with building a palaces on lands that are not their's standing for many years before anyone miraculously realises that it's actually wrong and that they should do something about it. this is also a country where contractors are infamous at paying engineers lots of money before the work is even entirely done. i would know because there are friends of the family who were civil engineers who resigned because it killed their conscience to be earning tens of thousands building things that would actually kill people in time..like Bukit Antarabangsa.

so congratulations to mr. i-think-i'm-Gandhi-or-something who runs this country. yes, stopping work on hills will definitely solve landslides..

i'm really that useless at updating my blog these days, right? and all of you beloved loyal readers must be coming here checking for new posts everyday because i see hits from the same locations everyday on my live feed. i know Syuk comes here often wherever he is..johor, kl, whatever because this blog is like AIR to him. apparently theres a lonely soul in some place called karnataka that's clearly obsessed with me too. and do i know anyone from hawthorne victoria? hands up please! i like seeing all these international flags.. india, australia, indonesia, philippines God knows whomever i know from the philippines, egypt once..russia? usa..oh dublin! i know that's definitely Adrillerh! XD yes she stalks me that girl. how do i entertain all of you now, i forget how i usually do it..

i sit at home this fat cow of myself curling up in bed most of the time God bless these rainy days that keep me in bed.. this family has not been on a holiday in the longest time. let alone abroad. the last time i was out of the country was when i was 12. in fact right, i don't even have my own passport, because when i was 12 i shared one with my mum. X). this is just to emphasise how lame and sloth-like and very unfortunate i am during holidays. i forget what travelling and seeing new and awesome places feels like anymore. i implore, someone please rescue me.

because Berlina's going to FUCKING EGYPT TOMORROW. how effing brilliant is that. i'd like to see the pyramids with my own naked eyes i really do. do you know how soaked i am in self-pity right now? XD

anywho, i might be going to teluk batik next week or so but don't tell mum. because i don't plan to myself.. XD. i'm not being menacing, it's just that these days being very rainy and inconvenient and all, she'll make a whole lot of necessary fuss over safety and such that i can kindaf do without..very ignorant of me but i'm a first born daughter, ergo i am born stubborn. =)

anyone going to egypt won't get to go though.. HA HA..   XD

neither are those busy shopping like crazy in kl now that it is the sales season... raaaaRRRrr..

anyhow, these pictures show you what have been the only closest experience to a holiday i have gotten.. =)

yang lain tengok kat facbook lah..sume orang ade facebook kan.. KAN??

XD

and ade a few blom edit lagi tgklah bile2 rajin..

as of last night i feel all kinds of apprehensive. i hate having questions i can't really ask in real life..

i'm sitting in my cosy little bedroom. it's dark outside, and the serene blue-ness of the walls and the bedsheet complements the gloom as the sky outside fades into a bleak bleak gray. i light a small candle, surround it with pieces of pot pourri rest it on the table, get comfy with a bowl of cut oranges in my lap..

..all in the attempt to get this BLOODY FLU AWAY FROM ME!

for the love of God seriously..it's been six days since i came back. i should already be getting used to the cat fur-thick air and cat fur-infested carpets by now. i'm sneezing like the walls might come crumbling down. mum went flabbergasted this morning discovering we're out of loo rolls obviously i used them all up. i took one pink flu pill last two nights and died while ym-ing with nutella and msn-ing with my sayang. poor baby, i'm always dozing off on him..

and now that i'm finally back home, i miss shah alam. i'm so lonely here it's not funny =(. my sister's busy being all emo and self-pitying for spm. i get along with my brother most of the time, that is when he's not being such a pussy throwing tantrums being an insufferable pain. i don't get why he likes to pick fights with mum all the time. dude needs anti-angst treatment.

i haven't been out of the house since i came back. that was last saturday. truth is, i miss my housemates back in shah alam now. i feel LONELY, you tend to miss people when you're lonely. i'm always online waiting for people to talk to. maybe, i should stop being so self-important and should start asking how people are first instead of waiting for them to call me. oh revelation..

this semester break though, i think i'm doing some self-rediscovery. finding fortes i have lost, doing things i used to be good at -most i suck at now. do some soul-searching and retrieving bits of me i have misplaced. sit down and be grateful for the blessings i have been given instead of lamenting every single Goddamned thing at the top of my head. so what if i have to repeat my bloody thermodynamics course. not the end of the world. my glass is half-full, that way, i can learn to treasure the contents inside more now that i only have some but not all of them.

bare with the long post please will you, i  haven't been writing since the ice age..

what i really want to talk about minus all those BS up there i was just warming up really, is that as simple and bland my life may be these days, i have that one reason always makes me feel like a princess..every..time.

never have i been in love as much as this before, and just the thought of this seems way too overwhelming. should the distance or you being so ANNOYINGLY busy these days make me feel any less, it's not working?! XD you make me feel like i want to go to you on the next flight to strangle you for being so psychotic over work and exams that our conversations are cut short, but smother you with hugs and kisses because i miss you even more insanely when i get less of you these days..

it's amazing how much i need you.

it's amazing still how i fall in love with you over and over like it's the first time for me each time, with everything you say and do. i'll wake up a complete mess in the morning but still feel like a star knowing you'll love me however disgusting i look anyway. i love it how you can adore me for being so ordinary. whatever i have that you can venerate me so much is beyond me..

and i miss how warm your felt. i miss being able to just grab your hand and cling onto your arm when i'm out of things to say. then your warmth fills me so deliciously and there i am silent as ever, savouring it. =)

i miss you when we talk on the phone. because as soon as i pick up, i know i'd have to hang up half-an-hour later because you'd have to go back to studying or to bed because you have an early class the next day. i miss hearing your voice trying to sound like you need me there right at that very moment and just hold you and never leave.

i hate manipal for taking you away from me and it looks like the bitch wants to keep you all to herself like this..grrr. but then missing you everyday reminds me that i'm not about to stop loving and wanting you yet. and thats a good thing right? =)

i'm so sorry for being all disgustingly mushy like this. i bet you're all embarassed towards everyone who reads this now. but then again..YOU ASKED FOR IT KAN??

hehehehehe HAPPY 3RD MONTH ANNIVERSARY SAYANG! 3rd uncelebrated anniversary but still.. I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOUUUUUUU!!...

<3